1. Regardless of what happens with his sexual-assault case, Kobe Bryant has already suffered this punishment:
A. Loss of Shaq's friendship.
B. Hair loss.
C. Loss of a multimillion-dollar McDonald's burger-chompin' campaign.
D. Loss of a cameo role in Lost in Translation.
2. Jeffrey Shapiro, the former tabloid journalist who covered the JonBenét Ramsey murder, has written the first book (self-published) on l'affair Bryant. On Monday, the day his book went public, Shapiro:
A. Handed out free copies of Kobe Bryant: The Game of His Life outside the Eagle County Courthouse.
B. Staked out the old Ramsey homestead for Court TV.
C. Stayed in New York, where the New York Daily News published excerpts of his dirt-dishing bombshell.
D. Flew to Los Angeles, where he posed in front of the Lakers' home court naked except for a strategically placed basketball.
3. Last week, sometime funnyman Dennis Miller joked that:
A. When Bryant seeks his next vacation getaway, he should steal a getaway vehicle.
B. John Kerry's inaugural showing was the best come-from-behind finish since Kobe's.
C. Nike is planning a campaign along the lines of "Be Like Mike," called "Free Like Kobe."
D. Kobe is worried that he'll end up a cellmate with the McDonald's Hamburglar.
4. A judge has ruled that Bryant's statements to investigators following the June 30 incident in Eagle:
A. Sound weird.
B. Must be kept behind closed doors in pre-trial hearings.
C. May be printed, but only with extensive chunks omitted.
D. Are mild compared to the Tracy Baker e-mails.
5. Cultural bonus: If you're planning to spend a night at the Lodge & Spa at Cordillera on June 30, you could pay:
A. With your reputation.
B. With several years of your life.
C. Less than $100, if you book in advance and sign a release that you won't take pictures.
D. About $910 for the Ultimate Spa Getaway.
1. C. The fast-food giant didn't renew its contract with pitchman Bryant at the end of 2003.
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2. C. And, boy, did the Noo Yawk paper gobble up the dish. Can you say "mistrial"?
3. B. Miller made the Kerry crack.
4. B. Kobe's statements will remain private: Guess the judge doesn't want to attract attention to the case.
5. D. The Spa Getaway is $910, Runaway Fast option not included.