Prairie dogs: Top 5 relocation destinations for critters living on future path of RTD's DIA train

The prairie dogs of Peña Boulevard are getting evicted. As the Denver Post reports today, RTD is attempting to relocate hundreds of critters living along the route of the future train to Denver International Airport. If they can't find new homes, another option is to kill them and make them...

By Melanie Asmar

June 10, 2011

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The prairie dogs of Peña Boulevard are getting evicted. As the Denver Post reports today, RTD is attempting to relocate hundreds of critters living along the route of the future train to Denver International Airport. If they can't find new homes, another option is to kill them and make them into prairie dog-Popsicles to feed captive raptors.

Still, we think we can do better than that. Behold, the Top 5 Prairie Dog Relocation Destinations.

5. Denver Zoo. You know what's better than free-range peacocks? Free-range prairie dogs! They're furry, have adorable faces and are total wusses, much more apt to run away when approached by humans than attack them like a certain peacock we all know.

4. City Park. Do prairie dogs kill geese? No? Nevermind then.

3. Downtown Aquarium. Squirrels can water-ski, so why not prairie dogs? We predict critters driving cigarette boats will attract even bigger crowds than grown-ass women in mermaid tails, dancing to music and making out with turtles. Wait. Maybe not.

2. Animal Planet. The plan: Denver donates all of its unwanted prairie dogs to Animal Planet, which develops a host of reality TV shows starring the city's castoffs. Prairie Dog the Bounty Hunter, anyone?

1. The DIA train itself! RTD fills one of the train cars with dirt and "houses" the prairie dogs inside, like a giant ant farm. Welcome to the Wild West, everyone! Where seldom is heard a discouraging word! And if RTD does hear a discouraging word, it knows some captive raptors that are mighty hungry...

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Melanie Asmar is a staff writer for Westword. She joined the paper in 2009 and has won awards for her stories about education, immigration and epic legal battles. Got a tip? She'd love to hear it.

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