Saints Preserve Us
Dear Mexican: I feel that the more Mexicans who come to this country, the better. I am a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In our Book of Mormon, on the left side of page 54, verse 6, it says, "There shall none come into this land save they shall be brought by the hand of the Lord." I want as many Mexicans in this country as possible, and then I want to tell them about Joseph Smith and get them baptized and enjoy the blessings of the temple. Come on down — you are welcome by me.
Love My Brown Brothers
Dear Gabacho: Gracias for your welcoming heart, even if your ulterior motive is stealing Mexicans away from the Virgin of Guadalupe for a religion where Jell-O is the only allowable narcotic. While we're talking about Moroni worshippers, can you do me a favor and ask Mitt Romney why he's such an ingrate toward Mexicans? After all, Romney would've probably been some Jack Mormon jerkoff if it weren't for porous fronteras and living in violation of a country's laws. His great-grandfather Miles Park Romney fled los Estados Unidos for Mexico during the 1880s to escape American authorities and continue his polygamous ways, while Mitt's papi, George, was born in Chihuahua and therefore is more Mexican than your typical Chicano Studies major. Not only that, but Pancho Villa's troops were kind enough to not massacre Mormon colonies during the Mexican Revolution, thus allowing the infant George and his family to return home and ensure that Mitt's Brilliantined hair would grace America.
One final point, Brown Brothers: Por favor, tell Mitt and all other Mexican-hating LDSers that the Book of Mormon requires amnesty for illegals. The quote you cited came from the Second Book of Nephi and is a wonderful passage, but what about the one before it? 2 Nephi 1:5 tells the Saints that Lehi prophesized about America, "Yea, the Lord hath covenanted this land unto me, and to my children forever, and also all those who should be led out of other countries by the hand of the Lord." Hear that, Mitt? Let my gente go — into the United States with free health care, por supuesto.
Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans love writing songs about Mexico, Mexicans, mi tierra, etc.? "Soy Puro Mexicano," "Como México No Hay Dos," "México Lindo y Querido," for instance. It starts with the national anthem, which every Mexican knows — that is, if they're lucky enough to finish fourth grade. It helps brainwash Mexicans into being some of the strongest patriots in the world, with little justification. Want to burn a flag in Mexico? Better call the mortuary. Maybe they were patriotic and the songs came later. So what came first, the patriot or the chant?
Pensive in Mero Pasadena
Dear Gabacho: "America the Beautiful," "My Country, 'Tis of Thee," "God Bless the USA," "Yankee Doodle Dandy," "Stars and Stripes Forever," "God Bless America," "The Star-Spangled Banner," "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue" — did I miss any?