I trekked to the Denver Pavilions today for the same reason dozens of others did: on the off chance that we could witness a man dressed as Santa Claus explode.
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SHOW ME HOW
Unbeknownst to me, there is actually an annual event wherein St. Nick rappels down the giant "Denver Pavilions" sign to inaugurate the holiday season; a press release reveals that this tradition is in year four. If you're like me, you cannot picture Santa rappelling down the D without laughing your ass off like some thirteen-year-old at the back of the bus. And if you're even more like me, you can't help but secretly wish that the fat man might slip and fall during such a grotesque display of American opulence and consumerism, bursting like that earthworm that shoots out of the side of the cliff in the movie Tremors, dousing the throngs of horrified school-children -- and forever ruining la navidad for a generation of little bastards.
But it was not to be.
Crowds started to gather around 11:30 a.m. and Santa actually emerged around 12:15 p.m. or so. He waved to the people, ho-ho-hoed as strange men dressed in fake white beards around the country are wont this time of year, and then he very boringly and very safely rappelled down the D. People smiled and munched on free popcorn while carolers sang holiday tunes whose lyrics had been changed to encourage shopping. Yes, the holiday season began today at the Denver Pavilions, but without a single drop of blood.
Bah-humbug. -- Adam Cayton-Holland