I've never owned a horse, or even horse-sat for that matter. So I can't say for sure that I could properly maintain the nutrition of an equine if charged with such responsibility. If the horse didn't like Ben & Jerry's or the onion rings from My Brother's Bar, he might not have the best culinary week of his life.
But I'm pretty sure I could do better than Alexis Williamson.
Wiilamson is 22 and lives in Wellington, a rural town just north of Fort Collins. A year ago, sheriff deputies say, her father moved out of state, leaving Williamson to care for at least three horses. This, it turned out, was a really shitty idea.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
It's unclear how often, if ever, Williamson bothered to feed the horses, but all signs point to "almost never." Earlier this week, sheriff deputies and animal-control officers responded to the barn where the horses were kept. They found two horses so malnourished, they "scored a 1.0 and 2.5 on a body conditioning scoring scale which goes to 10" -- which is a fancy way of saying they looked like sort of like Lara Flynn Boyle in 2004, but way skinnier. A third horse was in such bad shape it was put down by a friend of Williamson just before the deputies arrived -- and considering the rest of Williamson's animal-care resume, it's a safe bet it wasn't the most humane euthanization.
Willamson was arrested and charged with animal cruelty. She's also our Shmuck of the Week, which entitles her to one free ass-kicking at the local country bar.
Meet more shmucks in our Shmuck of the Week archive.