There was a time when I wanted Roger Goodell to come down on Brandon Marshall. It was before the ESPN hit piece, but after Marshall's most recent display of unhinged chauvinism, and around the time former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was to be released from prison. While most Broncos fans were collectively hoping Commissioner Goodell would ignore Marshall's transgressions, I was hoping for something severe, something season-changing. A four-game suspension at the least; a season at the most. Maybe it's because I'm not a so-called "dog person," but it seemed to me the punishment for throwing around a woman should at least match that of killing dogs.
It didn't happen. Marshall escaped the commissioner's wrath. And now, of course, he wants to be traded and is skipping practices to make it happen. And so it came to be that I no longer want Brandon Marshall to be suspended. I want him to be kicked in the Adam's apple. By someone named Vinny. Preferably in work boots.
Don't get me wrong: Marshall is a freakish athlete, with the "stuff" to become one of the league's most dominant receivers. And his contract -- $2.2 million in '09 -- is probably below the market value for a man of his ability. But to hold out, to demand a trade, to miss paychecks and miss practices after three years of fucking up (and fucking up women) off the field -- and not showing improvement on it -- is bawdy even by professional sports standards. Not to mention that he's nursing an injured hip, which he no doubt hurt while beating his mistress with a McDonald's bag.
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Of course, he's probably just listening to the advice of his agent, Kennard McGuire, who sounds like a wannabe Ari Gold, and who assuredly calls Marshall "B-Marsh" and encourages him to "get yours." What Marshall should be listening to is that little twinge behind his six pack, that little flicker of unease he feels when he skips practice. For ignoring that -- but mostly for stabbing a woman in the leg -- Brandon Marshall is our Shmuck of the Week.
May he be sentenced to a five-year contract with the Lions.
For previous Shmucks, see our Shmuck of the Week archive.