The world doesn't hand us many absolutes. Don't stare directly into the massive fireball in the sky. Make babies. Never buy fewer than eight Washington apples at one time. And, of course, if you happen to know enough about rocks to teach geology at a large institution of higher learning, never, under any circumstances, attempt to talk about football.
It's this last great truth that was violated recently by a thus-far unnamed geology professor at the University of Colorado at Boulder. It happened in a class attended by junior linebacker Marcus Burton, who relayed his story to a reporter. From the Denver Post:
Burton said his geology professor told the class: "You people may think this class is boring. We're just talking about rocks. But it's no more boring than both the CU games. Marcus, you're a captain. Can you tell us about that?"
Burton, who weighs 265 pounds, managed to not throw the offending professor out of the classroom window, for which he should be commended. The professor -- whose name and photos will be dug up soon enough, and at whose expense we will all have a hearty laugh when they are, because we're shallow like that -- has been asked to apologize by the department head, who's really hoping his firm stance on the matter will land him a field pass for the Missouri game. (Don't count on it, chief).
I suppose this is a bit premature. Maybe the professor will have a decent explanation for calling the kid out in class. Maybe another student will refute Burton's story. Maybe the prof was just joking.
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But the the reality is, if it says "professor of geology" after your name, you just shouldn't be trying to make football jokes. And so, Professor Mouthy, it is with very little information and not that much conviction that I bestow upon you the dishonor of Shmuck of the Week.
As if it wasn't enough what those kids put you through in high school.