I am, for the record, generally in favor of toplessness. Not my own, mind you, which I am so strongly against I often wear a shirt in the shower, like the fat kid at the public pool, only hairy and alone. But other people's toplessness? Sure! Topless beaches in Europe, topless scenes in movies, topless pools on cruiseships: I vote affirmatively, and spiritedly, for all.
But there is something shamefully pathetic about the plan of Boulder's Dan Kennedy, the CU student who wants to open a coffee shop staffed by topless coeds.
According to the Boulder Daily Camera, Kennedy has placed ads offering $80 to $100 a shift for topless baristas at a cafe he hopes to open one morning a week. He's not sure where he'll put it, but he's thinking a conference room on campus. And he's not sure about the legality of it, but he's pretty sure if he only serves drip coffee and prepackaged foods, he can get away with it. He's also looking for a few bouncers, to keep the creeps at bay, which begs a natural question:
Has a bouncer ever bounced his own boss? Because I think we all know who'd be at the top of creep standings at the end of the morning.
Obviously, this topless plan is totally legless. Pretty much everyone in Boulder has spoken out against it, with both the city and university simultaneously laughing at Kennedy and vowing to block his boldly pervish efforts.
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And even if he pulled his head out of his Barely Legal long enough to make this wet dream a reality, he'd fail on basic economics. Since black coffee and Nature's Valley bars would hardly cover his expenses, Kennedy -- a sophomore transfer from Whitman College -- said he would charge a $12 cover. Hilariously, he told the Camera the fee would keep away the oglers -- as if anyone would pay $12 to get into a coffee shop and not feel entitled to visually abuse the help. But even if the waitresses were giving lap dances and doing your taxes, Kennedy would be hard pressed to make money. His cafe, after all, would amount to little more than a strip club with no booze, no music, and no stripping, open once a week, at an hour when no one looks good naked, in a room usually reserved for kids trying to figure out Kant.
So, yeah, Kennedy's not winning the department prize in econ anytime soon. But that doesn't mean he can't do some damage: No doubt he'll lure one or two young women to meet with him, to discuss this grand opportunity to refill Professor Perv's decaf, breasts flying free. At the least he'll land a few phone numbers. At the most -- well, channel your inner creep, and I'm sure you can come up with something untoward.
So it is with great displeasure, and with my shirt squarely on my back, that I present Boulder's Dan Kennedy with this week's Shmuck of the Week honor. Please hurry and accept your title, Mr. Kennedy. I need a shower.
For previous Shmucks, see the Shmuck of the Week archive.