Some advice for Obama: Knock up your wife
Barack: "Let's make babies." Michelle: "But I thought we wanted to stop at two?" "That was when we were in the high 60s!"
White House photo/Pete Souza
Editor's note: The author, comedian Mike Polk, is a producer for Break Media and the somewhat demented mind behind the "Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video" and the "One Semester of Spanish Spanish Love Song."
With his approval ratings suffering, his agenda stalled and his party scuffling, it's becoming increasingly clear what President Obama needs to do to win back the favor of the country and get his agenda past the bitterly divided congress and country:
Get Michelle pregnant.
Rather than running from the 24-hour news cycle that picks apart his every move, presenting tabloid news-like stories to the slack-jawed-yokel-reality-TV-hungry-moron-public at the expense of his work, he should embrace it. Use it to his advantage. Own it.
Think about it: The day one of Michelle's aides leaks the positive pee stick to TMZ, the focus instantly shifts from the day-to-day reality of Obama's politics and policies to the seemingly exciting and charming side story of his impending fatherhood. Eighty percent of all coverage of his administration would immediately focus on the pregnancy. That's what idiotic Americans would demand, and the media would, as is their custom, breathlessly accommodate us.
If we were distracted by Bo, imagine what would happen with an Obama baby.
White House photo/Pete Souza
Women would flock back to his defense in droves. And he would find a new, appreciative audience in really dumb women who, until Michelle got prego, never paid attention to politics, instead devoting their time to watching baby and bride shows on Oxygen and debating how they would look with Ellen's haircut.
Of course (this is the fun part), if anything about the pregnancy is attacked by the right -- and if you don't think that will happen, you're not watching enough Glenn Beck -- the offending Republicans will be portrayed as even more cold and heartless than usual. After all, everyone loves a baby!
Meanwhile, with the country blissfully distracted with their exciting new reality show, Obama can discreetly go about his actual work of running and improving the country, without every move being over-analyzed and over-compromised to the point of insignificance. The media will be too busy appeasing the masses with more up-to-the-minute baby news. Stories like:
• First baby born in the White House in so long!
• Other famous White House babies!?
• Does the Obama pregnancy show weakness to Al Qaeda? A Fox News exclusive.
• Will it be a boy or a girl? And how will that effect our relationship with China?
• Psychics go on the Today Show to prognosticate the gender of the child.
• Michelle Obama's pregnancy workout tips!
• Conspiracy theorists citing ancient quatrains, proving that the child will be the antichrist. A Fox News exclusive!
• Goodwill visits and gifts from world leaders. What presents did they bring? What does it say about their diplomatic relationship with the U.S.?
• The maternity fashion choices of Michelle Obama! Where did she get that dress!!??
• Has anyone considered Sasha and Malia's feelings?
• Should U.S. taxpayers be on the hook to pay for the health care of a family member that did not exist when Obama was elected? A Fox News exclusive!
• Baby names! Celebrities such as Anne Heche and Shakira offer their suggestions.
• Should America be allowed to name the Obama baby?
• Tea party leaders insist that the child will not be a legitimate U.S. citizen, since Obama is a Muslim from Kenya. A Fox News exclusive!
• Barack's late-night ice cream run. "I just had to have some Moose Tracks!" Michelle says.
And while all of these stories are dominating the airwaves, Obama will be free to do all of the things that he wants to do but can't, because he lacks the cajones, the political capital and the public favor to push through his agenda.
We can curse the fact that this is what our media has become until we are hoarse, or we can embrace it and manipulate it to our advantage. So my advice to Barack is to get into that Lincoln Bedroom and start giving Michelle the ol' Executive Privilege. It will make his next three to seven years that much more effective.
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