Stop or I'll Squirt
A masked gunman wearing a stocking cap and a ski mask stole twenty head of cattle from a Weld County dairy farm. The daring raid took place at 3:45 a.m. while a milker was working in the barn. "He held the gun on him and told him to just keep right on milking," the farmer told police.

But He Aced the Written
The Denver driver's license office on West Mississippi Avenue was closed temporarily after someone drove a car through the front of the building.

The Nurse Later Treated Three Boys for Hair on Their Palms
Drug-sniffing police dogs searching lockers for cocaine at a junior high school in Fort Collins found only chewing tobacco and a copy of Playboy magazine. Said the school principal, "We were disappointed on the one hand and glad on the other."

Point of Order!
A former vice president of the student body and two student senators at Metropolitan State College were arrested after an alleged attempted burglary at the Tivoli Student Center. One of the men was hiding in a closet when arrested.

He Can Forget About a Tip
A Denver man's plan to rob a King Soopers store and make his getaway in a rented limousine went awry when the limo driver refused to pull out of the parking lot.

For Members Only
A nineteen-year-old Colorado Springs woman was arrested and charged with criminal impersonation after she dated a fifteen-year-old girl while masquerading as a seventeen-year-old boy. The younger girl's mother said her daughter was convinced she had had heterosexual intercourse with the older woman. "I don't know whether [police] have the exact object," said the mother. "Whatever it was, it fooled her pretty good."

A teenage girl in Boulder insisted to police that she had performed oral sex on and had intercourse with her boyfriend, Tony, who is actually a woman. The girl refused to believe that Tony wasn't a man, even though she was present when several of Tony's relatives referred to him as "Rebecca." Tony told police she sometimes placed a rolled-up sock in her pants to simulate a penis.

Officers on Patrol, Part I
A Nederland officer was arrested for investigation of vehicular assault and driving under the influence after he drove his car off the road into a rock wall. At the time, his boss, the town marshal, was awaiting trial on a misdemeanor charge of second-degree official misconduct.

Fry Her!
A fourteen-year-old McDonald's employee was charged with theft after giving away a strawberry shake, an apple pie and a cup of hot chocolate to two friends. The value of the stolen goods was estimated at $2.68.

Somebody Call a Kindergarten Cop
Police called to a suspected break-in at an elementary school in Lakewood found three suspects inside, ages eleven, eight and three. The youths were taken into custody and accused of stealing eight red pens.

It Was All Downhill From There
A skier at Copper Mountain survived being buried in an avalanche mistakenly touched off by the resort's ski patrol. Shortly afterward, the state highway department closed the road through Berthoud Pass when it accidentally started its own avalanche with a controlled blast.

The Ol' Ball and Chain
A Littleton man was arrested after allegedly committing a string of robberies, including daring stickups at two supermarkets. Police said the robber was apparently lovesick over a breakup with his wife and thought he could win her back by showering her with gifts. The suspect was arrested--while making a car payment on a vehicle he had purchased for his wife.

Officers on Patrol, Part II
A Hugo man injured when his car collided with a parked road grader was hit broadside minutes later by a state trooper rushing to help. Authorities said they weren't sure if the victim died from the collision with the road grader or the patrol car.

Chicks Can Be a Real Drag, Man
Arvada police arrested a 24-year-old man on assault charges following a wild spree in which the suspect and a friend got drunk, purchased two live chickens, stuffed the birds in the trunk of their car and drove around town. The defendant allegedly shot his buddy in the hand during the trip; the chickens were released unharmed.

The Way to a Girl's Heart Is Through Her Stomach
Officers who arrested a 41-year-old Alamosa woman for allegedly shooting her boyfriend to death found a cooking pot and a spoon containing bite-size chunks of tissue that "showed signs of human origin" in her apartment. Evidence indicated that the woman preferred leg meat.

WRPD Blues
A Wheat Ridge man called police to ask if they would let his dog outside to go to the bathroom.

A Wheat Ridge woman called police to report that her toilet had overflowed.
A Wheat Ridge woman called police to report that she had been overcome by bleach fumes while laundering her socks.  

One of Our Aircraft Parts Is Missing
Engine fragments from a TWA 727 bound for St. Louis fell on an El Paso County golf course on Memorial Day, but nobody bothered to report the incident to the Federal Aviation Administration. "If something fell off the plane, it's something we would want to know about," complained a representative for the federal agency.

Luckily, She Knew a Good Personal Injury Lawyer
A secretary for a downtown Denver law firm became trapped between two electrically operated file drawers and had to be saved with the "Jaws of Life."

Lochbuie Says Thanks and Happy Motoring
A Lochbuie policeman was charged with six counts of embezzlement for allegedly pocketing cash fines he collected from motorists pulled over in traffic stops on Interstate 76.

Honey, I Beat Up the Shrink
Police probed allegations that a Louisville man accused of sending threatening faxes to his wife also hired two thugs to work over a man he had hired to mediate his marriage.

Coloradans for Family Values
Authorities charged a Westminster mother of two with welfare fraud for collecting $356 per month from Aid to Families With Dependent Children. Officials said the 26-year-old should have reported the $1,000-per-week income she received from running a prostitution ring.

A Lakewood man was arrested on assault charges after allegedly choking his wife to the point of unconsciousness because she revealed to the couple's eight-year-old daughter that the family was having liver for dinner. When his wife told him she let the information slip by accident, he replied, "There are no accidents."

Longmont police called to the scene of an alleged arson attempt found an eleven-year-old boy carrying a can of lighter fluid. The youth explained that he was burning his mother's marijuana.

A Lakewood man rubbed police the wrong way when he hired a stripper to entertain at his twelve-year-old son's birthday party. The boy and his friends told police they expected to eat birthday cake and watch a football game.

Thank God She Didn't Send Atomic Fireballs
After members of the Denver police bomb squad exploded a suspicious package found at the federal courthouse, they were showered with bits of See's candy and a woman's thank-you note to an assistant U.S. attorney.

They Threw the Coloring Book at Him
A ten-year-old Grand Junction boy and his eight-year-old brother were accused of walking into a convenience store with an unloaded BB gun and telling the clerk, "Give me your money--not!" The boys left without taking any money and proceeded to a supermarket, where they purchased candy. The older boy was charged with criminal aggravated robbery.

It's Not Just a Job...
The Colorado National Guard agreed to a federal audit to probe allegations that more than 1,300 of the state's weekend warriors were collecting unemployment checks along with their Guard pay.

He Was Having a White Sale
A group of Denver-area black businesswomen wrote a letter of protest after a Grand Junction clothing store owner greeted them by quipping "Hey! Watermelon's not served until 1 o'clock!" The businessman later apologized but said he didn't understand why the women were so sensitive.

Internal Revenue Service
A ninety-year-old man drove his car through the front window of an H&R Block tax-preparation office in Longmont. According to a worker, the man "was delivering some tax information. In fact, he handed it out the window to me as he was sitting in the car."

Scientific Americans
A Denver high school chemistry teacher blew two fingers off his hand while performing a classroom experiment. Several nearby students were also injured.

A science experiment at a middle school in Lakewood produced toxic fumes and what witnesses described as a gut-wrenching "rotten-egg smell." Police and firefighters removed the chemical mixture from the premises.

Officers on Patrol, Part III
An Adams County sheriff's deputy ran his patrol car off the road while responding to an emergency call and collided with a utility pole. He suffered a minor head injury; the car was totaled.

Let the Chips Fall Where They May
Federal agents seized a kilogram of what appeared to be heroin from illegal aliens in a no-knock drug raid in Aspen. The substance was later determined to be tortilla flour.

His Chief Campaign Platform Was Crime
A candidate for sheriff in Jefferson County was sentenced to 180 days in jail after pointing a gun at a sheriff's deputy.

Parts Is Parts
A 31-year-old Lakewood man who cut off his own penis and testicles with a knife was taken into custody after he tried to fight off police officers sent to his aid. The man told officers he ate the missing body parts, but a police spokeswoman said two testicles were found in his garage. Added the officer, "The other body part remains missing."  

A Denver man told police two men broke into his apartment and stole his left eye from its socket. Police later determined the man had removed the eye himself.

Dam Him!
A beaver cut down a tree, which fell on a power line and blacked out the towns of Sawpit and Placerville. The incident was the second time in two months that the beaver, well known to local authorities, had caused a disruption in electrical service.

Only You Can Prevent Drive-By Shootings
A Colorado House of Representatives committee voted down a bill to again allow a spring bear hunt, despite testimony by its sponsor, Lew Entz of Hopper, that bears were "harassing kids in the streets of Aguilar." Entz said a constituent told him, "We got a problem out here with bears like the urban area does with gangs."

They Got the Drops on Him
Detectives discerned a pattern in a series of Lakewood break-ins: The burglar always urinated on the floor before leaving. A police spokeswoman said it was apparently an involuntary nervous reaction on the part of the suspect.

The Mice That Roared
Union officials sent employees at the Federal Aviation Administration flight service station in Eagle home after finding mouse droppings on the floor. The labor representatives said they feared the deadly hantavirus.

Take Two and Call Me in the Morning
A Denver therapist was sued by a woman who alleged that the mental-health worker encouraged the patient to have three-way sex with her and her husband. The menage a trois reportedly was part of a therapy regimen designed to cure the patient of her fear of men.

Raising the Woof
Authorities continued to put the collar on a Lakewood man charged with cruelty to animals after police responding to a report of a barking dog found him standing at his backyard fence barking at his neighbor's dog.

They Disappeared Upon a Midnight Clear
Thieves stole two strands of Christmas lights, a wooden candy cane and a plastic Santa from the roof of a Jefferson County home.

Check...and Mate
A 24-year-old Fort Collins man was shot and killed at his own birthday party after he got into an argument over a game of chess.

He Aimed to Please
A Boulder County sheriff's sergeant resigned after being accused of fondling a female officer at the shooting range.

And the Hits Just Keep on Coming
A Broomfield woman was arrested for hiring an undercover cop she met in a shopping-center parking lot to kill her husband.

A 52-year-old Akron farmer was arrested after allegedly asking Colorado Bureau of Investigation agents to kill his wife for $25,000.

A teenage boy and girl from Arvada were arrested for allegedly hiring an undercover officer to kill the girl's father. After offering the hit man $200, the couple decided they could save money by doing the job themselves and offered to swap hallucinogenic mushrooms for the officer's gun.

The teenage daughter of a Glendale city councilman and her twenty-year-old husband were arrested after allegedly plotting to kill the girl's parents for the life insurance. The couple asked a friend they knew to do the job, but he didn't believe they were serious. At the would-be hit man's request, the girl went to his apartment and performed a sex act to convince him she meant business. For the same reason, her husband ran naked around the man's apartment complex. Said the hired gun, who later tipped off police, "I was just sitting on my balcony laughing at him."

A 28-year-old Johnstown woman accused of attempting to pay an undercover officer to impale her ex-husband on a stick of dynamite asked a judge to lower her bail so she could get out of jail and compete in a roller-skating competition.

See Ya Later, Alligator
A Colorado Springs woman allegedly shoplifted a foot-long alligator from a pet store by spiriting the reptile out in a 7-Eleven Big Gulp cup.

Mallard Aforethought
Denver police responding to a disturbance call found a man who told them two unidentified assailants had beaten him with a brass duck.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Authorities found a sixty-year-old Aurora man dead of a heart attack in his trailer home--surrounded by 186 live canaries. Said an animal-care officer, "It was like something out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie."

The Old Gray Mare Ain't What She Used to Be
A twenty-year-old horse was rescued by crane after it fell into a septic tank.

Federal authorities traced the discovery of several hundred pieces of mail scattered along country roads in Weld and Adams counties to a postal employee who had resigned earlier in the week.

He Was a Member of the Sue Tribe
During a re-enactment of an Old West battle near the town of Las Animas, a cavalry soldier accidentally shot an Indian in the leg with a real bullet. The Indian, a pharmacist from Austin, Texas, sued the cowboy, asking for more than $50,000 in damages.

They're Waiting for Him to Crash
A Kansas man charged with ramming his car into a Mesa County woman's vehicle couldn't be arraigned because he remained high on drugs the morning after his arrest. "He's obviously hooked on more than pho-nics," said a county judge before postponing the advisement hearing.

What's in a Name?
Boulder sheriff's officers arrested Rowdy Ray Valdez of Frederick on first-degree murder charges.

Pueblo physician Harvey McClung, a lung specialist, headed an effort to stop tobacco-industry sponsorship of state-fair concerts.

A gag-gift book detailing the flaccid state of affairs at Denver International Airport was released by real-life Denver resident Ellen Cockshoot.

Lakewood police questioned the taste of eighteen-year-old Littleton stripper Chelsea Wunderlich after she allegedly took off her top for a trio of underage boys.

The Reverend Russell Miracle of Palisade was among three people charged with causing minor injuries to a woman during an attempted exorcism in Montrose. As part of a plea bargain, Miracle agreed to put any future exorcisms he might perform on videotape.

The Special That Day Was Pork
Adams County District Attorney Bob Grant treated his office staff to lunch for National Secretaries Day and then billed the $385 tab to taxpayers.

Their Own Private Idaho
Police responded to a riot at a Denver hobo camp when transients began pelting each other with potatoes.

Next Project: A Strip Mall
The owner of a family-style restaurant in Lyons threatened to turn his eatery into a topless bar and an adjoining campground into a nude sunbathing area if the county didn't let him run an RV park on the property.

A Vigorish Prosecution
The El Paso County district attorney filed criminal usury charges against a pawnbroker who reportedly was making loans with an annual interest rate of 240 percent.

Good Thing He Wasn't a Pure Shooter
An Aurora man was sentenced to 100 years in prison for whipping out an Uzi and firing madly after his team lost a pick-up basketball game at Del Mar Park.

Blanket Indictment
A Douglas County man entered a plea of no-contest to third-degree asssault after being accused of knocking his wife out of bed after asking her to move over and give him more room. He claimed he accidentally elbowed her when awakened from a deep sleep.

Setting an Example
A volunteer firefighter in Teller County admitted to setting eleven arson fires so he could "improve his firefighting skills" and move up in the organization.

Don't Have a Cow, Man!
A Wheat Ridge woman reported receiving a harassing phone call from a man apparently upset by her answering-machine message, which concluded with her young son saying, "Later, dude." The caller reportedly said, "Get your son off the answering machine. He sounds like a fucking dork. Get him off the answering machine, stupid ass."

The Eye of Newt Is Still on Order
A U.S. District Court judge ruled that a prisoner must be provided with candles, a robe, incense, a gong, a chalice, a wooden staff and a ritual chamber so he could practice satanism in a federal lockup in Jefferson County.

The Public Library Must Have Been Closed That Day
Denver police temporarily closed a bargain store on the city's southwest side after more than 2,000 people standing in line to purchase televisions and microwaves that were advertised at 99 cents began rioting.

From the State That Gave You Margaret Ray...
A 27-year-old Denver woman pleaded guilty to threatening the life of U.S. Representative Joseph P. Kennedy of Massachusetts after he failed to respond to sixteen of her love letters.

I Love You, You Love Me
Wheat Ridge police responding to a reported late-night disturbance found two grown men and two women playing with a stuffed Barney the Dinosaur doll.

Getting Away From It All
The year's death toll in scenic Rocky Mountain National Park: four heart attacks, one death in a fall and two suicides.

In Their Own Words
"Dear Babe, I can't get you out of my mind today. I'm so happy about that I can hardly contain myself. I woke up this morning feeling so in love with you...Today I wish you could come and take me away with you. I want to be with you forever sweetheart--and I want us to have a life together that we have wished for for so long...Please hurry baby, my heart breaks without you."
--From a note found in the truck of a 44-year-old high school teacher in Colorado Springs charged with second-degree murder in the beating death of his wife.  

"Oh, honey, you know they're not going to come."
--A Denver 911 dispatcher to a citizen who called to report a crack deal. The dispatcher was later fired for hanging up on callers.

"He was giving her a noogie, like a head scrub."
--A Denver mother describing what she claimed was her eighteen-year-old son's accidental killing of a female middle-school student. The defendant was convicted on murder and rape charges.

"Because of my split personality, I really don't know if I am guilty or not guilty."
--A defendant charged with petty theft in Denver County Court.

"Both of you guys come over here!"
--A deputy sheriff in the courtroom after the defendant was sentenced to ten days in jail.

But She Never Ran Out of Grass
A Colorado Springs woman who bought her Ford Taurus at a police auction took the vehicle to a dealer when it kept running low on fuel. Mechanics found seventy pounds of marijuana stuffed in a custom-made compartment in her gas tank.

What a Way to Go
A Longmont man injured when he rolled his sports car on Colorado 66 managed to crawl back to the roadway, where he was hit by a passing motorist and killed.

A Boulder painter died after getting his head caught in a metal scaffold.

A Yoder woman was beaten to death with a garden hose.

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