Ten reasons Tim Tebow is the most desirable celebrity neighbor
Evidence is mounting that Tim Tebow is a crappy quarterback. He has thrown four interceptions versus the Buffalo Bills and completed 27 percent of his passes in Sunday's loss to the Kansas City Chiefs. But that doesn't mean people think he's a bad guy. In fact, in something called the Zillow Celebrity Neighbor Survey, Tebow was voted the most desirable celebrity neighbor, grabbing 11 percent of adults surveyed, edging Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, at 10 percent. Why did he win? Here are our ten best guesses:10. He's a virgin:
As far as we know, the Chosen One is still saving himself for marriage. That means no late-night booty calls, baby-mama drama, lady pyramids on the front lawn or uncomfortable wife-swap proposals.
9. Neighborhood football games: When it comes time for your street to challenge the next block in flag football, you'll have a secret weapon. Sure, your team will take a beating for the first three quarters, but come crunch time, Tebow will start running over that guy who never shovels his sidewalk and stiff-arming housewives to the ground.
8. Talk about a great designated driver: Say you've had a rough Tuesday morning and you're about six beers deep -- but you really need to make it to a doctor's appointment, pick up your kids at school or get a lift back to the liquor store. Well, Mr. Tebow is definitely sober and surely generous enough to help out any neighbor. Even one who's done a little sinning.
7. He's an on-call savior: It's like living next to a modern-day Noah. If a disaster of biblical proportions comes sweeping through your neighborhood, guess who has room on his ark for you, your dog and your exotic snake? That's right: Tim Fucking Tebow.
6. Athletic advice: The coach of your son's pee-wee football team is a nice guy and all, but he's not a professional football player. Luckily, you have one of those living right down the street. When your son starts chucking the pigskin around, have Timmy come over for a quick throwing-motion demonstration, and your kid will have a firsthand example of what not to do. Page down for the top five.
5. Hazing experience: If Tebow agreed to rock the above haircut as a Broncos rookie, imagine the number of chores you could convince him to do as a new member of the neighborhood. 'Hey, Tim, it's tradition for new neighbors to mow the lawns and clean the gutters of everyone on the street for the first month after they move in. So if you could get started on that, that would be great.'
4. Free circumcisions: Having a kid is expensive enough with all the medical bills, clothes, food and baby necessities. So when it comes time for the snipping, tell the doctor, "No, thanks, we know a guy." Tebow performed circumcisions in a mobile hospital in the Philippines, so we're pretty sure he can figure something out with our country's modern medical technology.
3. Fundraising: The next street down is having a bake sale to fix a few potholes. That's so cute. We've got neighbor Tim Tebow signing books and pictures of his Jockey ad for $5 a pop. We'll have a heated street to melt the snow, new streetlights and benches in no time.
2. The Ned Flanders factor: Not only do Flanders and Tebow both look to the Bible to answer every question, but they are both cheery, corny, trusting and generous. Which makes it easy to borrow (steal) Tim's tools, appliances and lawn furniture without ever worrying about him asking for them back. And can't you just imagine him saying, "Hi-dilly, ho-dilly, neighborinos"?
1. Two words: shirtless gardening. He was named the most "desirable" neighbor, right? Tebow Time will mean something entirely different when it comes time to trim that bush.
More from our Sports archive: "Tim Tebow's 10 most motivational Bible verse recommendations & when to use them (PICS)."
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Westword's biggest stories.