Ten Reasons Why John Hickenlooper Should Run for President

Rumors are swirling this week that Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper is considering a 2020 run for president, and given the intense scrutiny around our current POTUS, it’s a wonder that anyone would want to take the reins after the coming four years. But someone has to — that is, unless we’ve abandoned democracy completely by then.

Hickenlooper has done some interesting things for Colorado, and he could do some interesting things for the country, if given the chance. But why would he want a relatively thankless job like POTUS, especially because after Trump's exit, the delousing alone will take significant time? Here are ten reasons why Hick should consider the nation’s highest office anyway.

10. He could champion a comeback of science
Hick began his career as a man of science, after all — a geologist, to be specific — so he’s more apt to support science and the findings thereof. He could go down in history, based on the early actions of the Trump presidency, for bringing back a respect for intellectual and scientific discovery — and the rational national policies that should follow.

9. It would mean better political ads
You know we’re going to be seeing them all too soon anyway, and they’ll once again be ubiquitous on our TV screens, Internet browsers and radio stations — so why not have a candidate who knows how to turn his nerd-tastic charms into ads that don’t make us want to strangle the voice talent?

Look, Mr. President, guacamole is an extra $2 for everyone.
Look, Mr. President, guacamole is an extra $2 for everyone.
mark.watmough at Flickr

8. To enjoy a 10 percent discount at all participating D.C. Chipotle restaurants
Because he’s going to want the occasional taste of home — and, hey, seventy cents is seventy cents.

Pictured is a new marijuana strain named "Lee Greenwood."EXPAND
Pictured is a new marijuana strain named "Lee Greenwood."
Mike Mozart at Flickr

7. Pot could go national
Hick isn’t marijuana’s biggest political fan, mind you, but he’s probably come to appreciate its power, especially as it pertains to the pocketbook. The mountain of money taken in by pot taxes rivals the 14ers, and despite the rocky relationship between our governor and our ganja, they seem to have sufficiently reconciled so that Hick has the opportunity to establish part of his political persona as our national leafy pot-tax hero.

Thanks to Trump's unwillingness to give up his business interests, Elway can retain his position in the Broncos' front office.EXPAND
Thanks to Trump's unwillingness to give up his business interests, Elway can retain his position in the Broncos' front office.
Colorado Senate GOP at Flickr

6. Vice President John Elway
John Hickenlooper is a solid leftist Democrat for the most part, but maybe he could cross the aisle and truly become a bi-partisan success by inviting conservative stalwart John Elway to be veep? It could be the John-John administration. Football and beer? Count America in. Now we just need some pretzel and buffalo-wing representatives for cabinet positions.

Keep reading for five more reasons.

5. Mmm….beer
Speaking of beer, Hick became known in Denver for his Wynkoop Brewing Company, which was one of the cornerstones of the revitalization of LoDo back in the day. Who knows what other ale-related magic a Hickenlooper administration could manage on a national scale? At the very least, billiards would be involved. And, really, won’t America sleep better knowing there’s a pony keg in the Oval Office?

4. To learn the home phone numbers of the entire cast of The West Wing
Everyone except Rob Lowe, that is. No one knows how to get in touch with that dude since he lost his gig on the DirectTV commercials.

3. To tear down the goddamn wall
One of the things Ronald Reagan has been remembered for is his speech at the Brandenburg Gate in 1987, where he said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall.” While it wouldn’t actually come down until after his presidency, it’s part of his legacy. Hick can do the same thing for the southern border wall — you know, the one that Trump will start and fail to complete.

2. Because nerds are super-popular
Hick’s public image has always been bookish and somewhat awkward, if charmingly so. That image is exactly what the public is going to want after the anti-intellectual wave that swept across America in 2016. Nerds rule, as the signs at the massively successful recent Women’s March proved.

1. To bring the world back from a spray-tan-and-combover dystopian era
Who knew the Hunger Games were nonfiction?

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