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Ten things near schools more dangerous than medical marijuana dispensaries

We hear it all the time from the anti-cannabis crowd: "We've got to think of the kids!" It's the chief argument behind federal letters sent out over the last year shutting down dispensaries within 1,000 feet of schools. But what about the other, much more pressing risks that can be found just as close to schools in Denver? Below, we've come up with a lighthearted list of things ranking much higher on the danger scale than legal marijuana sales.

10. Colfax avenue

If anything should scare East High parents in Denver, it's the road directly in front of their child's school. East High school lets kids out on to one of America's greatest roadways of crack dealers, hookers, drunks and pimps.

Frankly, I think it gives the kids some character to look back on...just so long as they don't turn into a hooker, drug dealer, drunk or pimp.

9. The front stairs.

As this hysterically mean video shows, Mother Nature (and junior high kids who don't warn each other of impending doom) can be a cruel bitch sometimes. I've never twisted my ankle or slammed my hip into the hard, frozen pavement from slipping on frozen marijuana that fell from the sky.

(Note: I would gladly welcome slipping on frozen marijuana falling from the sky so long as I could make ice hash from it afterward.)

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8. Field trips

Okay, so give me this one: Field trips are not technically within 1,000 feet of a school unless they're incredibly lame -- but they are school-sanctioned events. Very dangerous, savage school sanctioned events. You think I'm joking, but just ask poor little Rutherford* who was MAULED BY A FREAKING LEOPARD while on a school outing to a Kansas zoo. Granted, little Rutherford ignored all danger signs and barriers to get a closer look at the not-so-friendly kitty -- but still, where were the overprotective field trip volunteers or his teacher that Rutherford's parents trusted with the safety of their son? The kid pulled through, by the way.

*Name completely made up

7. High School itself

Seriously, just walking down the hall can be hazardous to a dude's health.

And kids here in Colorado even do that for fun.

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6.The convenience store next door

Ten things near schools more dangerous than medical marijuana dispensaries
moviefone.com

Remember spice? I don't. At least not in the sense of ever trying that bullshit, dog-eating fake weed. But apparently a few people shopping at the gas station a stone's throw from East High liked it. And steroids. Lots and lots of steroids.

(First person to name that convenience store gets a prize)

5. The high school cafeteria

Ten things near schools more dangerous than medical marijuana dispensaries

I'm not talking about the food itself, per se. I'm talking about the vindictive little asshole you might be sitting next to in geometry class. Watch out: He might just spike your ranch dressing with Visine. Sounds like nothing, right? Snopes has a pretty good write up on this, actually. Seems it's an urban legend that a few drops causes the squirts. Wrong. It can cause lowered bodily temps, labored breathing, severe nausea and vomiting, plus major swings in blood pressure. Worst case: It puts the person who ingested it in a coma.

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4. The football field

Those pads don't do all that much to protect kids from more than 67,000 concussions every year and at least fifty deaths since 1997. That's not including heat-related illness and deaths each year. Yup, high school football is certainly more dangerous than cannabis.

That is unless Randy Marsh takes over!

3. Banks

Just another day in Colorado Springs...
Just another day in Colorado Springs...

I'm not referring to the whole "banks are the root of all evil," Occupy argument here. I mean this literally. In 2011, there were59 bank robberies in Colorado. Robberies, mind you -- not burglaries. Thankfully, nobody has gotten hurt, but we are a concealed carry state and someone is bound to play hero one of these days over their completely insured deposit at the nearest MegaCorp Bank. Now, we can't ignore that there have been a few failed burglaries of dispensaries and one wild afternoon in Fort Collins after an attempted robbery. But that's really it. So there is still greater danger in depositing your check in a Colorado bank than in picking up a bag of Sour Diesel at a Colorado dispensary. You should really look into direct deposit, by the way.

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2. Fast food restaurants

Ten things near schools more dangerous than medical marijuana dispensaries

According to researchers at the University of California, schools within about 500 feet of burger joints, taco stands and fried chicken shacks have over 5 percent more obese children than schools not near them. And depending on who you talk to, as many as 300,000 kids per year die due to weight-related issues.

1. Liquor stores

Need a drink?
Need a drink?

Sexy ads out front, commercials all over TV and -- most dangerous to children -- there are liquor stores around every corner. But hey, that's normal here in Colorado. And while I admit I enjoy the occasional drink, and know it can be fine in moderation, there's also the reality that booze killed more than 24,00 people in 2009, not including drunk-driving accidents or the more than 15,000 liver disease deaths caused by alcohol.

Meanwhile, marijuana still hasn't killed anyone in thousands of years of recorded history.

More from our Mile Highs and Lows archives: "Medical marijuana dispensary review: Back to the Garden in Denver" and "Medical marijuana patient numbers climb back over 100k in July."