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Ten Things Possibly Found in the McCain Party Box

Last week, the Republican National Committee offered a sneak peek of the “party boxes” that will be for sale at the convention in St. Paul. The boxes, which are 2”x3”, tops, look too small to include actual “party” items like noisemakers or hard liquor.

Chances are that they’re just full of confetti or something equally boring -- but what more interesting options might there be?

A Lock of Dick Cheney’s Hair

Not only is this a conservative artifact of sorts, but it’s also said that even a wispy bunch of Cheney’s hair has such power that if you put it close to your ear, you can actually hear it lying about Iraq.

A Small Block of Pure Cocaine

Not so much to enhance the party atmosphere, but as an energy boost for sleepy conventioneers. (Left over from the thank-you basket received from the Contras in 1986.)

(Insert Old-Guy Joke Here)

You name it: Viagra, Dentucreme, Werthers Originals. Boy, that McCain sure is old!

A Tiny Pair of Bronze Flip-Flops

Hang them from your rear-view mirror, so you can be reminded of McCain’s platform every day. (Also comes in Bush, Kerry and Obama styles.)

Rubber Tubing and a Blindfold

Put the blindfold on, get a friend to tie you up upside-down, hook the rubber tube to your faucet, and experience for yourself how waterboarding has no relation to torture.

The George W. Bush Strategy Guide

It’s a small book, because it just contains Karl Rove’s cell phone number.

Buckshot

Remember: if someone from the Republican Party shoots you in the face with this, smile and apologize for getting in the way.

A Sampler of McCain's New Line of Cosmetics

Tints chosen by John and his wife, Cindy, commemorate the candidate's most controversial interview and include favorites like "Trollop Plaster" and the more succinct "Cunt."

A Few Wheat Pennies

Look, the Gas-Tax Holiday came through!

The Last Vestiges of the Integrity of the Office of the President of the United States of America

Get them while they last!

--Teague Bohlen


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