Dear Mexican: Consider the similarities between my people, the Celtic Scots, and yours, the Hispanic Mexicans. For centuries, we, too, tried to hold out against our larger and more powerful neighbor. The big difference is that eventually we realized that being uneducated barbarians was no way to beat the English, so we decided to become the most educated people on Earth, rivaling even the Jews (who we were the first to emancipate). In 1707, we effected a merger with England to form the United Kingdom, placing our King James on their throne.
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And there is the history lesson for you Mexicans. When you decide to culturally value your own minds rather than your ignorance and victimization, you will be able to effect the eventual political merger of North America as equals. And maybe then we will elect a Mexican-born presidente of the 82 Estados Unidos.
Dear Thrifty Gabacho: You forgot to mention our cultures' shared affinity for offal and patronymic surnames; otherwise, your analysis is dead-wrong. Everyone knows our Celtic brothers are really the Catholic Irish, and they were the ones who persevered and gained true freedom, unlike you kilt-wearing, golf-inventing Presbyterians. And about that Acts of Union that merged England and Scotland: It's fraying. The Scots Parliament readjourned in 1997 after more than two centuries of silence, and a secession movement endorsed by no less an authority than Sean Connery is gaining steam. We Mexicans, meanwhile, have enjoyed our sovereignty; the only tyranny we need independence from is diabetes.
Dear Mexican: Are there specific things that "white" Americans do in everyday interactions with Mexicans and other Hispanics in the United States that really irritate you?
Curious in Cudahy
Dear Gabacho: Not really. If a gabacho mispronounces Spanish words, I understand it's not his native tongue. If he gets drunk this Cinco de Mayo on Jose Cuervo and Corona and not Herradura and Bohemia, I figure it's because a Mexican hasn't taught him the bueno booze. Mexicans and gabachos are two different cultures, and no one can honestly expect each side to seamlessly understand the other in this country, nor should they want to — the bumps and bruises caused by the conflict are what create these United States. The key difference is that Mexicans understand this point and eventually assimilate gabacho culture into theirs, while gabachos steadfastly refuse to incorporate some wabbiness into their lives outside of superficial traits like food and women, and get mad when we don't absorb their cultural markers fast enough. For the millionth time, gabachos. Mexicans. Assimilation. Believe it. And happy Cinco de Mayo!