The guys who called Coloradans' d*cks small: Shmucks of the Week
"I'm small, but I'm powerful."
So ...I love city and state rankings. I even wrote a whole ode to them once. I'm fully aware that they're complete bullshit, just bait for us desperate blogger-types to suck down and spit out in the form of free publicity for whichever company pulled the alleged statistics out of its ass. Usually it's Forbes. Sometimes it's McDonald's. It's always complete crap. But for whatever reason, I like knowing that the guys at Combos -- the maker of cheese-filled pretzels -- think Denver is more manly than San Diego.
Yet, of all the state- and city-ranking press releases I've seen, the one I read today has to be the most ridiculous. In it, the web site Condomania -- an online condom retailer -- alleges that it has collected so much data from its condom sales that it was able to determine which states have the biggest
members penises dongs d$#ks baloney ponies oh screw it: COCKS. The biggest cocks, alright? But when you find the biggest, you also find the smallest. And guess where Colorado wound up?
Click to enlarge. (The map, that is).
First, let's consider the top 25:
1. New Hampshire 2. Oregon 3. New York 4. Indiana 5. Arizona 6. Hawaii 7. Louisiana 8. Massachusetts 9. Alabama 10. Washington 11. New Mexico 12. California 13. Arkansas 14. Nevada 15. Virginia 16. Tennessee 17. Illinois 18. Oklahoma 19. South Dakota 20. Georgia 21. Pennsylvania 22. Mississippi 23. Michigan 24. Florida 25. Rhode Island
Now. Hmm. More or less everything I know about penis size -- about everything, really -- is from Eddie Murphy's Delirious. And according to it:
And since there are approximately seven black people in New Hampshire, Condomania seems to be disputing the Eddie (and Everyone Else) Theory. Fine. Whatever. But Oregon and Washington in the top ten? Not a chance. I've showered with guys from those states. I'm not impressed.
Now, the bottom 25:
26. Kansas 27. Maryland 28. Minnesota 29. Vermont 30. Connecticut 31. Wisconsin 32. New Jersey 33. North Dakota 34. Idaho 35. Texas 36. Missouri 37. Montana 38. Ohio 39. Nebraska 40. Colorado 41. Maine 42. North Carolina 43. Delaware 44. South Carolina 45. Kentucky 46. West Virginia 47. Alaska 48. Iowa 49. Utah 50. Wyoming
Lots of problems here. Texas in the bottom half? That gets disproved right in the state's slogan. Montana? Ohio? Nebraska? I have no idea why, but these are states that seem like they would involve being well-endowed. Why else would all those people live there?
And then there's Colorado. Oh, Colorado. In the bottom 11 size-wise. Could it be?
Could it possibly be?
You know what: Who the hell cares? We're drunk, we're manly, we're all single and we're all healthy, so let's put these allegedly small baloney ponies to work and just be happy we don't work at Condomania. I hear those guys are tiny.
Meet more shmucks in our Shmuck of the Week archive.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Westword's biggest stories.