Did you know Denver cops have expanded DUI enforcement in the Stapleton neighborhood to bicycles, skateboards and even strollers, which are being used to transport obscene amounts of liquor in addition to toddlers? You would if you check out The Stapletonion, a new website that advises readers to "Think Globally, Laugh Locally."
Other big stories in The Stapletonion's current edition include a report about a Parkwood home getting Cadbury egged, a man better looking than his wife ("Not even a tie," noted one hotter-than-her-hubby woman), and a poll asking residents what they'd like done with the old Stapleton airport traffic tower.
Among the responses: 27 percent suggest "hitting it directly with a nuclear missile," 9 percent would like to "turn it into Transformer and train to kill possessed DIA horse," and 6 percent would like to see it remodeled and transformed into a "gay dance club called Phallus."
Oh yeah: There's also a call for submissions for the publication's first-ever Baby Swimsuit Edition, an invite illustrated by this saucy shot:
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To find out more about this groundbreaking new site, we e-mailed a set of questions to the Stapletonion braintrust. Here's our exchange.
Westword: How long has the website been up and running?
The Stapletonion: The web site has been up for just a little over a month now, and we plan to continue a bi-monthly publication.
WW: Who's behind the website?
S: We are all behind it. 100%.
WW: What was the original idea for the site? Do you have an Oniony equivalent of a mission statement?
S: We are essentially trying to bring the real news to Stapleton, in the same way FOX brings the real news to America.
WW: How many people are contributing?
S: We have some staff writers, and then we allow the Stapleton people to come to us when they see newsworthy stories not being talked about in the other "lame-stream" Stapleton publications. We eventually hope to be able to fire the entire staff and just rely on the steadfastness of the Stapleton people.
WW: Why is Stapleton a good target for satire?
S: Not sure what satire has to do with our publication. However, Stapleton would be a great target for satire. If I was to hypothesize, I would say that Stapleton is very connected, from the homogeneity of the community, to the online groups, to the festivals, community organizations, PTAs, and especially the close quarters of the houses. You are going to know a lot of things going on in your community when you live within 40 yards of every person on your block.
WW: Have you heard from any readers who didn't understand that the site is all in fun, and not filled with real Stapleton news stories? If so, how difficult and/or fun was it to break the truth to them?
S: So far, our truthiness has really resonated with readers and they are pleased someone is finally telling it to them straight. We have yet to have any complaints or threatening comments, although with any major news organization, it is bound to happen.
WW: Anything else you'd like to add that I might not have asked?
The Stapletonion has not yet given their endorsement for mayor, but will be doing so in the next two weeks. We are carefully considering this matter, and will not let the Stapleton residents down with our endorsement the way we did when we endorsed Perot in '92.
By the way, sorry for assuming that some of the content was intended to be humorous. That's what happens after being exposed to real news for the first time in ages. Keep up the great work.
More from our News archive: "Boulder named best place to raise abducted children (by The Onion): City fans ambivalent."