The Top Ten Welcome Home Gifts for Ted Haggard
On June 22, the Colorado Springs Gazette reported that Ted Haggard, who'd been asked to leave his post as chief evangelical at New Life Church in 2006 after admitting to "sexual immorality" in his dealings with Denver masseuse Mike Jones, had returned to his Colorado Springs home after an extended exile in Arizona. No telling if he's there to stay -- but in the hope that he's settling in for the long haul, we've come up with a list of ten gifts designed to welcome him back to the fold...
10. An "I'm Cured!" lapel pin.
9. A double-date with James Dobson.
8. Crying instructions from Oral Roberts.
7. Advice about how not to get overly excited by the name "Oral Roberts."
6. A biography of Rock Hudson.
5. New contact information for all the conservative politicians who've stopped returning his calls.
4. Tips about how to use public restrooms without accidentally striking a "wide stance."
3. A flak jacket.
2. A list of local dentists trained to care for meth mouth.
1. A tension-reducing rubdown from anyone who's not Mike Jones. -- Michael Roberts
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Westword's biggest stories.
- Readers: Here's Why the NFL Won't Lift Its Marijuana Ban
- Celebrating the Ten Best Green Chile Places in Denver Right Now
- Denver Development: What Will Happen to Emily Griffth School on Prime City Block?