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Tim Tebow: Ten things non-sports fans should know about The Chosen One

Tim Tebow is big news. In fact, he's such big news that it's no longer acceptable for non-sports fans to not know who he is. Don't worry: Westword has your back. For all of you who think NFL stands for National Forensic League and spend your Sundays and Monday evenings crocheting or tossing cabers or engaging in whatever other weird hobbies you have (crocheting cabers?), we present Ten Things Non-Sports Fans Should Know about Tim Tebow.

10. Tim Tebow is a quarterback for the Denver Broncos.

Let's start with the basics: The Denver Broncos are a football team. And pop culture tells us that the quarterback is always the sexiest player on any football team. See: James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues. The quarterback is also important when it comes to actual football-ing; something about calling plays or whatever. But mostly, the quarterback is the sexy guy that gets to date the head cheerleader. See: The first season of Glee.

Tim Tebow: Ten things non-sports fans should know about The Chosen One

9. Tim Tebow is even sexier than James Van Der Beek.

That's how you can tell he's a quarterback. See: His Jockey photo, which caused one woman to have "multiple, small orgasms," and his Jockey commercial, which is shot in a dark locker room from waaaaay too far away but still manages to be hunk-a-licious.

8. Tim Tebow is not a particularly good quarterback.

He's best known for one thing: making incredible comebacks to win un-winnable games at the last minute. See: Last Sunday's victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers, a game Denver was supposed to lose. Still confused? Check out this list of Tebow-like business ideas from Westword scribe Alan Prendergast. As it makes clear, Tim Tebow playing football is akin to learning nothing in the first nine weeks of a ten-week language course and then suddenly being gifted with the ability to "speak in tongues" during the last class.

Tim Tebow: Ten things non-sports fans should know about The Chosen One

7. That "speaking in tongues" thing is a religious joke.

That's because Tim Tebow loves Jesus. Like, a lot. So much so that it's inspired conspiracy theories as to who might really be behind his football glory. The son of missionaries, Tim Tebow has never been shy about repping his Christianity. Once, during a break from football-ing, Tim Tebow gave circumcisions to poor kids in the Philippines.

6. Tim Tebow likes Jesus so much, he prays on the field.

This is also known as Tebowing. According to something called the Global Language Monitor, the roots of the word -- and the ensuing phenomenon -- can be traced back to October 23, 2011, when Tim Tebow took a knee "and was photographed in a moment of prayerful reflection" during a celebration of the Broncos' victory over the Miami Dolphins. (For more on the Dolphins, see: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.) Nowadays, everyone and their mother does the Tebowing. Or Tebows? Whatever. You get it.

Page down for our top five.

5. Tim Tebow does not like abortion.

See: Tim Tebow's controversial 2010 Focus on the Family ad, which aired during the Super Bowl and co-stars his mother, who calls Timmy her "miracle baby."

4. Tim Tebow is a money-maker.

Lots of enterprising people are trying to make a buck off of Tim Tebow. Some of them are even taking the Lord's name in vain to do it. Others are using his widespread fame to resurrect their sad careers -- and ruin a perfectly good jersey in the process.

3. However, Tim Tebow does not shake his money-maker.

You see, Tim Tebow is a virgin. He's saving himself for marriage. And he has plenty of people who are dying to be there for the Big Moment. That includes men and women. Because your gay male friends probably think Tim Tebow is gay. See: Excessive Facebook posting of this offensive YouTube video of Tim Tebow "kissing" another football player.

Tim Tebow: Ten things non-sports fans should know about The Chosen One

2. Americans love Tim Tebow more than Steve Jobs.

Or at least they love tweeting about Tim Tebow more. Last Sunday, Twitter reaction to the Broncos' win set a new record for tweets-per-second about sports. And a lot of other things. According to Mashable.com, Tim Tebow is more popular on Twitter than Beyonce's baby, multiple earthquakes and the death of Osama bin Laden.

1. In addition to loving Tim Tebow, some Americans love to hate him.

We know. It's confusing. But now that you know so much about him, you can choose which side you're on: Bill Maher's or America's? Don't make the wrong choice, now. Tim Tebow has some powerful friends. See: Numbers six and seven.

More from our Sports archives: "Broncos playoffs-challenge trivia, day four: Test how big a fan you really are!"


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