Tim Tebow: The ten crappiest pieces of Chosen One merch on Craigslist
Whoever thought it would be awesome to paint a $300 portrait of Mickey Mouse as Tim Tebow is only slightly less credible than the person who will buy that painting. One step above them is the Disney lawyer who will ask that the painting be destroyed, but way (way) above them is the football god himself. The man's name is in almost every commercial, talk show, news report and even Craiglist ad in the mediasphere. So we thought we'd save you some time finding it. Below are the ten crappiest (and probably most illegal) pieces of Tebow merch on Craigslist.
To make our search easiest, we focused on only the items available on Craigslist in Tebow's football home. Unfortunately, this excludes that person who tried to sell envelopes postmarked the day Tebow was born and modeling opportunities for you to have your nude body painted like his jersey.
10. Hideous stuffed candycanes Craigslist users will invoke the holy name of Tebow to sell literally anything. (I'm pretty sure this purple office chair has nothing to do with our football star.) Elsewhere on the site, the quarterback comes into play with someone in Federal Heights' attempt to sell "Chinese silver pandas." At $749, this Tebow time sale is not a very good deal. And there's more than one.
9. Jews for Tebow merch Even if Jesus really isn't your thing, Tebow still can be. Case in point: Buy this T-shirt and you can celebrate both Judaism and Tebowism. And if you're broligious, there's a shirt for you, too.
8. Handmade Tebow baby sweater For all the tiny Tebow tots out there, this person has created not one but two miniature hipster sweaters for his shorter fans. At $60, they're both stylish and handy when the snow outside is taller than your child.
7. Ridiculous Tebow oil painting (for $4,500) For more than a lot of used cars, you can purchase this one-of-a-kind and strangely small portrait of Tebow in his pre-Heisman days. If you like your sports art more abstract, try this one. Or maybe this portrait of Mickey Mouse as Tebow. Or this sketch of him having an aneurysm. If you like it enormous, there's always this 6-foot-tall version.
6. Tebow earrings The first thing we wondered when Tebowdom hit the pinnacle of media hype was: Sure, that dude is cool, but how can I get him on my face? How can I carry a tiny piece of him around with me on my body at all times? After turning down a few creepier options, we found these earrings, which can be purchased by giving someone in Frisco, Texas $4. Page down to check out our top five.
5. Tebowing Santa This must have come after a loss: Santa looks like he just got run over by his own reindeer. We're hoping these come with a post-holiday discount.
4. NeW * MeNs * PrAdA * SuNgLaSsEs There is no better possible way to describe this item than its actual text: "Get the same sunglasses tebow wears when he is not on the feild making miracles happen!!!!!!!!.they are Gunmetal / black . Also polarized These are brand new. And the best out there. In the store they are well over $325."
3. WWTD Wristbands Please note that this godly accessory ships from Nevada, Missouri, a town whose residents apparently have nothing better to do than capitalize on both Denver and the heavens. If that font isn't wacky enough for you, try the T-shirt version.
2. Tim Tebow domain names You can start your own Tebow media empire with just $50,000 -- or attempt to trade this person for one of the sites, if you have cool shit. The list even includes the potential for his future reality show, which will apparently be bluntly titled either The Tebow Show or The Tim Tebow Show. Should Tebow slowly go insane, TebowMadness.com is also an option. The branding possibilities here are endless.
1. Tim Tebow's face on a tortilla It's unclear whether this is wanted or for sale (or sarcastic), but let's be real here: It's probably the next step. (Also worth noting: Bill Maher's face has never been discovered on any holy food items.)
More from our Sports archive: "Tim Tebow: Ten things non-sports fans should know about The Chosen One."
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Westword's biggest stories.