Dear Jets and Jets fans,
As you know, Tim Tebow was introduced as a Jet today, which is funny, because you just gave your starting quarterback a $40 million extension and your coach is one of the most boisterous and profane personalities in the league.
But that's another issue. We're here to help.
If you can take a few minutes off from chanting J-E-T-S, booing your draft picks and generally acting Jersey-ish, we have some advice for you about handling Tebow Mania, Timsanity or whatever you're going to call it.
Tebow is far from the normal quarterback, and not just because he can't throw a football. He's a religious icon, the best celebrity neighbor in America and an all-around good guy who many people hate. His image also causes multiple, small orgasms, so uh, keep that in mind. Here are five pieces of advice to help the Jets fan base and organization seamlessly transition into the Tim Tebow era.
5. He's a miracle worker: We don't mean that Tebow's late-game heroics make him a miracle-worker. His greatest super-human accomplishment last year was routinely proving both his doubters and supporters right. People in the "Tebow sucks, he will never be a quality NFL quarterback" camp had the first 55 minutes of most Bronco games as proof. People in the "Tebow simply knows how to win" club had several improbable wins, Tebow's 7-4 regular season record and a playoff win over a superior opponent as proof.
All of this confused those who are neutral or don't care about Tebow and raised the volume of the argument about him, which is annoying. If he's able to pull off the same feat this year, don't try to make sense of it. Shrug your shoulder and appreciate the theater.
4. Agitate the Tebros: Even though Mark Sanchez is the Jets' starting quarterback, New York is a much bigger media market and, well, Sanchez kind of sucks. So you're sure to hear plenty of noise about Tebow, much of it from over-the-top Tebow fans. Most of these Tebowites admire his religious purity or his status as "winner guy."
Every once in a while you have to needle these people just to even out the universe. Nit-picking about statistics usually does the trick. Something like, "Yeah, Tebow is winning, but his yards per pass attempt is really poor so he'll never go deep in the playoffs" should send them into a five-minute tirade about how you don't understand intangibles. It's so cute.
3. Familiarize yourself with the Tebow Glossary: For this quarterback, a regularly voluminous vocabulary will not do. You must be versed in the language of The Chosen One. You will appear excessively clever to your friends when you mention that a local radio host just "Teblew him for five minutes because he has such a Teboner." And imagine how embarrassed you will be if you don't know the difference between a Tebowite and a Tebro. Besides, we took the time to make this glossary. Now use it, damn it. Page down to read our top two pieces of advice for Jets fans.
2. Focus on football: If you're going to take the position that Tebow sucks, stick to the argument that he is a horrible quarterback. First of all, you're probably going to be right. Secondly, if you're trying to convince everyone Tebow is a shitty human, you're just going to come off looking like a dick, which you might actually be cool with assuming you're a Jets fan. Yes, Tebow is openly religious, but he doesn't insist other people should be. And there is a slightly agitating teacher's pet quality to him, but that's about all there is.
You might hate the excessive Tebow coverage, but the man himself has an extensive list of admirable qualities. It's just tough to make the case that Tebow is a shit-head when he spends the night after the game making the month of a six-year-old girl with cancer by spending time with her.
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1. Tune in for the last five minutes: If Tebow ever becomes the Jets' starting quarterback -- which could easily happen after Sanchez pisses the bed to the tune of a 2-5 start -- skip the first 55 game minutes of each contest. If you were only casually following the Broncos last year and simply watching highlights, you might think it was all improbable comebacks, last-minute field goals and eighty-yard playoff-game-winning passes. It was all those things, but only for a collective 47 minutes. The rest of Tebow's time on the filed was excruciating on top of terrible dusted with cringe-worthy with a side of impossible-to-watch.
Spend your Sunday watching other games, any other game, and then flip over to the Jets game when it's coming down to the wire. If you have consulted your Tebow Glossary, you know this is referred to as Fourth and Fifteen and/or Tebow Time.
Good luck. God bless.
More from our Tim Tebow archive: "Tim Tebow timeline: The history of The Chosen One in Denver."