Tips for Transplants: Rules for July
It’s July in Denver, which means that once Independence Day is done, we will enter the lazy days of summer, when everyone is either vacationing, anticipating getting out of town, or regretting that they took time off back in June when it wasn’t so damn hot. But that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing to do here — or at least, no rules to follow.
Because there are. Of course there are. So turn up that window air conditioner, situate your chair right in front of it, grab a cold one from the fridge, put it against your neck, and ahh…wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, right: July.
1. Rest-Up From Comic-Con and the Cherry Creek Arts Festival
By the time you read this list, you probably already enjoyed whichever arts community best floats your own personal boat. Comics, anime, movies and awesomeness? You were probably downtown at Denver Comic Con when July began. Oils and watercolors and fine sculpture? You were probably at the Arts Festival, hanging out in (and likely a resident of) Cherry Creek. Either way, here’s hoping you enjoyed two of Denver’s most impressive celebrations of art — now take a nap. And maybe stop spending money for a while.
2. Eat Your Obligatory Turkey Leg at the Colorado Renaissance Festival
If you go to the Renaissance Festival, you have to eat a turkey leg. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like them, it doesn’t matter if you’d prefer something else. There is nothing else. There are turkey legs and more turkey legs. And beer to wash it down, thank God. They hand them out at the gate when you pay your admission. “Huzzah! Here be your ticket, knave, and your turkey leg! Huzzah!” You also have to say “Huzzah!” a lot, which is actually Welsh for “More turkey legs!”
3. Learn Which Zoo Animals Sweat
You take your kids to the Denver Zoo so they learn things, right? Well, the thing they’ll learn in July is what zoo animals smell like in July. This is not inconsequential information, mind you, and I don’t mean to make light of it. If they later go on safari, they might detect the musk of a great cat on the prowl, or even one of the fabled polar bears of the Serengeti. They’ll also learn how different animals use body language and rudimentary sounds to try to suavely communicate: “Hey girl, you gonna finish that slushie?”
4. Be Aware That the Heat Is On
So yes. Hot. Take it seriously. Denver may not get as hot as Arizona or as humid as Illinois, but it’s still dangerous out there for kids (who need even more sunscreen because of the altitude, remember!) and pets (never leave them in the car — ever — and if you don’t let them inside, make sure they have a place to cool off) and even adults who should know better (it doesn’t make you “tough” that you sleep in a stifling bedroom or pride yourself on never using anything with an SPF). DIA may not be shutting down because of the heat, but there’s still a lot of temp-related stuff to consider.
5. Be Aware of “The Heat Is On”
“The Heat Is On” is the holiday campaign of the Colorado State Patrol when they step up efforts to prevent and detect any DUI that may be occurring on our roads. This means a greater presence on the streets and checkpoints stationed throughout the city at strategic points — which are either annoying (in a momentary panic “wait…did I have a drink today?” sort of way) or seriously concerning (if you’re dumb enough to drink and then get behind the wheel). Remember: The Sawaya Law Firm will reimburse you for any cab ride you take over the July 4 weekend (Saturday-Tuesday). No, really!
Keep reading for more tips for July.Next Page
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