The Greeley Police Department recently shared this report from late last month: "Police responded to the 2100 block of 35th Avenue Court after a woman complained that someone stole the remote control for her television cable box. The officer helped the woman find her remote."
That was nice of him -- but nonetheless, there are some things you shouldn't call the cops to help you find after they go missing. Here's our top ten.
10. Your keys
No one stole them. You came home drunk last night and dropped them in a potted tree you mistook for your manservant. Which you don't have. 9. Your fashion sense
Once upon a time you knew how to dress cool -- back before Square Pegs was canceled. But now, you wear Crocs in public and think your T-shirt that says, "I WISH MY LAWN WAS EMO, SO IT WOULD CUT ITSELF" is hilarious. Give up now. 8. Your birth certificate
This one's not really your fault. Your parents misplaced your birth certificate during the first George Bush administration. Now, if this piece of paper is the only thing that can prove you weren't born in Africa, you're shit out of luck, pal. 7. Your hair
No police dragnet is impervious enough to prevent your follicles from falling through the cracks. 6. Your sense of humor
Once upon a time, you could laugh in the face of disaster. Now, disaster laughs first, last and longest, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. 5. Your optimism
The sky is falling, or so you think -- and even a SWAT team won't be able to prop it up. 4. Your youth
Each day, the Grim Reaper takes a step closer -- and he's not going to listen if a cop yells at him to freeze. 3. Your savings
No one stole all your money. Well, maybe bankers and stock speculators and IRS agents did. But they can't be arrested for it. Or at least they won't be, no matter how many complaints you file. 2. Your self respect
Little by little, it slips away -- and filling out a missing person's report about it won't help. 1. Your virginity
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Sorry, buddy. You first did the deed at age 26 (you tell everyone seventeen, but they know you're lying) with the forty-something downstairs neighbor who always had drier lint in her hair. You can't set the Waybac Machine for Gisele Bündchen's place, and neither can Officer Friendly. You'd have better luck finding that lost remote.
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