Like so many others around the world, I was awed by the spectacle of President Bush ducking to avoid a pair of shoes hucked by Iraqi TV journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi at a news conference yesterday. Apparently, flashing footwear at someone is one of the worst insults a person can give in Arab culture.
Mainly I'm impressed because of all the ways that shoe-throwing could be applied to daily life in America. So watch out, assholes. I'm done with middle fingers and crotch-grabbing. Below are the top five people or groups I'm going to start throwing my shoes at. -- Jared Jacang Maher
5) Drivers who yell or honk while you're walking down the street
It has happened to me several times, usually in the suburbs, where the simple act of walking down a street seems to make you some kind of suspicious, car-less freak. For some reason, certain drivers feel compelled to lay on their horns or shout unintelligible phrases as they speed by.
In such situations all I can think about is that final scene in the movie Election, when Matthew Broderick smashes his milkshake onto the back window of the limousine. So satisfying! Unfortunately, carrying milkshakes around all the time can be expensive and chilly. Shoes, though...
4) Telemarketers behind vehicle warranty robocalls
"Your vehicle warranty may be about to expire," says a recorded woman's voice at least three times a week when I answer my phone. The times that I have pressed one for more information -- but really to tell the representative to take me off the call list -- have always resulted in them hanging up on me. I'm supposed to hang up on you, National Auto Warranty Services, not the other way around.
One day, I will hunt you people down and -- wham! You shall know the fury of my shoes.
3) People who talk loudly on cell phones while shopping
So what time did you leave last night? NO WAY! THAT IS SO FUNNY! No, I was at the Urban Outfitters earlier. Now I'm at Safeway picking up some things. What are you doing tonight? REALLY! So can you BELIEVE what Maggie said to Kyle? She is such a bit -- OW! OW! Someone just threw their shoe at me. Ahh! Here comes another one! My face!
2) Really tall people who stand in the front at concerts
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SHOW ME HOW
I know it's not your fault God made you really tall. Just like it's not our fault God made us short. But even the Lord thinks you're an asshole for standing right in the front. It's like putting up a billboard in front of an entire neighborhood's ocean view. It's inconsiderate. The little people are going to be pissed. Well, maybe you should consider this size 6½ right to the back of your enormous head. Hee-yah!
1) George W. Bush
It's been done, but still. Satisfying.