Inspired by our own "Top 3 reasons why your bartender hates you" and "8 Reasons why your drug dealer hates you" from our sister paper, LA Weekly, we here at Mile Highs and Lows decided to throw together the entirely Top 5 Reasons Why Your Budtender Hates You.
Let's face it, being the person who sits behind a counter weighing out ganja all day long might not seem like hardest job in the world, and there are plenty of people who would take that gig just for the leftover shake at the end of the day. But that doesn't mean it isn't work. I spoke with a few budtenders around town and merged their responses into this list:
1. You reach into every jar with your grubby little hands.
See those big metal tongs on the counter? Use them. Nobody wants to smoke whatever nastiness may be on your hands, nor do they want the crystals that should be on their herb stuck to your fingers.
2. You are a know-it-all.
Budtenders like seeing different kinds of herb, and if you've got something worthwhile, then by all means bust it out. But condescending, my-pot-is-better-than-yours attitudes get old quick. If your friend has better chronic, go get it from him instead of bad-mouthing our product. Our Diesel isn't as good as your caregiver's? Go get a bag from him. You've seen better hash at another shop? Great, go buy it there. Odds are it isn't, and that's why you are in the shop. Also, budtenders say they're noticing patients complaining about herb not being dense enough. Too bad if you don't know what a good, stringy sativa looks like -- but rest assured that a gram of plant matter is a gram of plant matter, regardless of the density.
3. The line behind you isn't getting any shorter.
Budtenders are all about helping you with your wellness needs, and have no problem taking an hour to do so even if there are patients behind you. And yeah, a lot of the time they're sitting around with nothing else to do but listen to you. But when there's a line, how about hurrying things up? They don't need to hear about your shitty job, your weekend plans, or your cat's birthday party.
*Sidenote: one of the female budtenders I spoke with said her major pet peeve is being hit on. Guys, even though it's called a "bar," it really isn't one. Leave your pick-up lines at home.
4. You only come in for the freebies/You ask for the "hook-up."
For a budtender, there's nothing worse than barely getting through an introduction when a patient starts asking about what freebies the dispensary is offering. If you are a first-time patient, you'll likely get a little bonus in your bag -- but let them at least get through the spiel of what they have to offer. A dispensary has set prices and weights for a reason: This is an actual business with an actual business plan, not some dude selling pot out of his basement.
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5. You hang around the shop.
Budtenders realize that they've created a cool spot and they know how easy it is to get sucked into the glossy pictures of High Times on the waiting-room table -- but go home. They put in the leather couches so that people waiting in line would have a comfortable spot to chill, not so you'd have a place to nap for a few hours in the middle of the day. To quote Seinfeld, "I already have enough friends."