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Top ten Denver men you've probably dated

When we published our post featuring the top ten Denver women you've probably dated, we promised that Denver men would be spotlighted soon.

And the time has come. Check out our crowd-sourced, extremely scientific (okay, not really) look at the masculine animals in the Denver dating jungle, with illustrations by the incomparable Noah Van Sciver.

Have you encountered one of these creatures and lived to tell the tale? Find out below.

Top ten Denver men you've probably dated

Juicefera Also known as: The Juicehead

The Juicefera wants to get big by any means necessary, including the use of human growth hormones or turning his buttocks into a target for steroid-filled hypodermics. When he's not watching his every flex and thrust in the nearest mirror, he prefers to wear clothing that would be two sizes too small even if his muscles weren't puffed up like fleshy bounce houses, and he's prone to engaging in rage at the least provocation. Moreover, he likes it when he loses control. His idea of a great date is taking a companion to the ViewHouse, then waiting around until he decides someone has looked at him sideways (whether the guy actually did or not) and going MMA-berzerker on his ass. Be prepared to spend a lot of time at police stations. Also: microscopic penis.

Top ten Denver men you've probably dated

Sportus Constantino Also known as: The Sports Addict

The Sportus Constantino's idea of dressing up for a big night out is to put on a replica jersey -- the one that cost a month's rent to purchase -- and head to the Blake Street Tavern, where he'll spend the entire evening looking from screen to screen without once casting his gaze on you. He doesn't care if it's a playoff game or an exhibition match between amateur curlers. He can't look away, and neither can he resist shouting out his take on the action even if he has no idea what's going on. (Make that especially if he has no idea.) If you try to join in with the sports chatter, he'll be so thrilled he may start to hyperventilate. But at a certain point, you'll realize he's not listening to a word you're saying. He's so mesmerized by televised balling that he'll never get around to the other kind.

Continue to see more of the top ten Denver men you've probably dated.



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