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Top ten things non-sports fans need to know about Peyton Manning

Editor's note: With Peyton Manning's regular-season debut for the Broncos set for Sunday, we offer this (hilarious) (and helpful!) Peyton primer by Melanie Asmar that first appeared last March.

Hello, Denver sports noobs. Perhaps you've heard of a new man-about-town named Peyton Manning. No, no -- he's not the guy who won Project Runway All Stars. He's a football player. A quarterback. In other words, Peyton Manning is the new Tim Tebow. Except less overtly Christian and better at doing the football.

Still confused? Fear not. Behold our Top Ten Things Non-Sports Fans Should Know about Peyton Manning.

10. Peyton Manning is the Denver Broncos' new, awesome quarterback.

Peyton Manning recently decided to come play football in Denver. If you think that's not a big deal, you are wrong. Why? Because Peyton Manning is really good at football.

Of all the players in all the land, he has won the NFL (that's National Football League, not National Forensic League, nerds) Most Valuable Player award four times, the most of anybody ever. Sports Illustrated also named him NFL Player of the Decade for the 2000s. Something about passing yards and "immense presence." Are we losing you with all of this sports-talk? All you need to know is that he's way better than Sports Illustrated's College Player of the Decade Tim Tebow, who used to be the quarterback for the Denver Broncos but has been traded to New York. That's good for footballing but bad for single ladies.

9. Kids love Peyton Manning.

Top ten things non-sports fans need to know about Peyton Manning

In 2009, Peyton Manning won the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award for Best Male Athlete, elevating him to the same exalted status as SpongeBob SquarePants, the Jonas Brothers and High School Musical 3: Senior Year.

Continue for more of the ten things non-sports fans should know about Peyton Manning.

 

8. Peyton Manning loves kids back.

Wait, that came out wrong. What we mean is that he loves helping kids. He comes to Denver from Indianapolis, where he played for a football team called the Indianapolis Colts. While in Indianapolis, he and his wife Ashley donated an undisclosed sum of money (read: a lot of money) to the St. Vincent Children's Hospital. It was so much money that they renamed the hospital the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital at St. Vincent .

7. Peyton Manning may or may not have two kids of his own.

Ashley Manning allegedly gave birth to twins -- a boy and a girl -- last year. Neither she nor her husband confirmed the birth to the media. Ashley went so far as to ask the Indianapolis Star to not report the news. Judging from the video above, it's either true or Peyton Manning is a baby stealer and somebody should issue an Amber Alert. Continue for more of the ten things non-sports fans should know about Peyton Manning.

 

6. Peyton Manning most definitely has a brother.

Eli and Peyton Manning with their dad, Archie.
Eli and Peyton Manning with their dad, Archie.

Actually, he has two, but only one of them is famous. His name is Eli Manning and he does the football too. He is the quarterback for the New York Giants. The subject of whether little brother Eli is better at football than big brother Peyton is hotly debated. Less debated, but equally hot, is the subject of who is better looking. The answer? Tim Tebow. 5. Some guy from Queens got the Manning brothers tattooed on his ass.

See the photo above. But not if you're eating lunch.

Continue for more of the ten things non-sports fans should know about Peyton Manning.

 

4. Peyton Manning co-wrote a children's book.

It's called Family Huddle and it's about...wait for it...football! It tells the story of Peyton, Eli and unfamous brother Cooper playing backyard games with their dad, Archie, who was also an NFL quarterback. Cooper did not help write the book. 3. Peyton Manning gives money to Republicans.

The Boston Globe reports that Peyton Manning gave $5,000 this year to Republican Senator Bob Corker from Tennessee. And back in 2007, he gave $3,200 to Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson's unsuccessful presidential campaign, according to MSNBC. But he does pick winners sometimes. For instance, a must-read 2010 ESPN story about the secret life of Peyton Manning says he supported George W. Bush's 2004 campaign. Continue for more of the ten things non-sports fans should know about Peyton Manning.

 

2. Peyton Manning also gives money to waiters.

Earlier this month, a server at the Angus Barn, an upscale North Carolina restaurant with a downscale name, posted online a photo of a receipt showing that Peyton Manning left a $200 tip on a $739.58 dinner that already included gratuity. The server was fired. No word on whether he got to keep Peyton Manning's fat tip.

1. Peyton Manning can be funny.

Once upon a time, Peyton Manning hosted Saturday Night Live . And he was actually good at it. (See the above clip, in which he parodies his infamous pre-snap routine. Or something.) Not sure if that makes up for the George W. Bush thing, but it helps.

More from our Sports archive: "Photos: Tim Tebow's first New York billboard makes veiled reference to his junk."

Like Melanie Asmar/Westword on Facebook.


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