So the owners of Writer Square along the 16th Street Mall are planning to build on the premises a glass pyramid. With a moat. That will somehow lead to an underground retail thingermerjigger. What a great idea. Really, we mean it. Cross our heart (stifling derisive snickering).
Don't believe us? Here are 20 reasons why the moat-pyramid will be a superb addition to our fair city:
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- Egyptian architecture is going to be the next big thing. That and moats.
- While there's a lot of vacant storefronts on the 16th Street Mall, that's because they're all aboveground. As everyone knows, shoppers much prefer inconveniently located, subterranean retail options.
- Filling up one of the city's few open spaces with a moat is a very practical use for our dwindling water resources.
- It will harken back to the region's great pyramid-building Native American tribes.
- It will harken back to the region's great moat-digging miners and settlers.
- A mysterious glass pyramid and inexplicable underground lair that seems straight out of the Da Vinci Code? Denver International Airport conspiracy wackos are gonna love this.
- It's going to double as a fantastic open-air urinal for all the drunken assholes coming from Lodo at let-out.
- The state's tourism board can call Colorado "The Egypt of the West." At least that's better than its current slogan, "Let's Talk Colorado."
- The city's graffiti crews need bright new surfaces to cover with their tags.
- Morlock love underground stores. Too bad Morlock have no money.
- It'll look like the Denver Art Museum's Hamilton Building took a dump on the mall -- which, when you think about it, is pretty funny.
- City skateboarders are gonna be stoked, along with those crazy parkour guys.
- When Superman comes to visit, it'll feel like his very own Fortress of Solitude-away-from-home.
- It'll make a great greenhouse when the apocalypse comes in 2012 and those of us who survive revert back to primitive farmers.
- Wait, the Louvre did this in Paris? And Apple built one in New York City? Nah, couldn't be.
- It'll be a hoot when archeologists 2,000 years from now are excavating downtown Denver and have no idea what to make of this thing.
- Man, those invading Mongol hordes are gonna be PISSED when they can't get into our glass pyramid because of our bad-ass moat!
- While it has nothing at all to do with green technology or renewable energy, some local politician will figure out a way to say it does and then beat that horse to death.
- Chicks dig moat-pyramids. Really, they do.
- Hey, at least it's not a glowing red penis or a terrifying blue hellbeast.