Last week, the fine folks at the Denver Police Department sent us some handy-dandy shopping tips for us to pass along to readers to "assure their personal safety and an enjoyable holiday season."
But while things like locking the car and avoiding secluded areas seem like they might work well in some candy cane, Jingle Bells, happy-slappy fantasy land, we felt that Westword should come up with a list that real people could use. Get educated after the jump. -- Jared Jacang Maher
Westword's Holiday Safety Tips
Fake a Limp: Fool criminals into thinking you're injured. Then, pounce.
Use Credit Cards Safely: Store your credit cards in an open, well-lit space.
Don't Be Seen Buying: Instead, conceal products under your clothing and sneak from the store.
Flaunt Your Money: Potential thieves will be turned off by your arrogance and leave you alone.
Teach Kids Not to Talk to Strangers: Particularly police officers, social service workers, debt collectors and Dollar Store management.
Keep Valuables Safe in a Fanny Pack: Seriously, it'd be hilarious.
Protect Your PIN Number: Cup your free hand over the keypad like a paranoid jackass.
Wear Comfortable Clothing: Avoid dangerous chafing with a crotchless Santa suit.
Deal With Criminals Yourself: Nobody likes a tattletale.
Be Smart Online: Purchase your Russian rape porn only from trusted websites.
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SHOW ME HOW
Be Wary of Panhandlers: $700 billion in government bailout money has only fed their addiction.
Stay on the Offensive: Carry a laptop and webcam on all outings; threaten to blog about any misdeeds.
For God's Sake, Run!: They're gaining on you!