What's So Funny
So it would appear, dear readers, that you owe What's So Funny an apology. That's right, you owe us an apology, and not the other way around, like that time when we got all fired up from watching Deadwood and let loose with a rambling string of "cocksuckers" long enough to make George Carlin blush, forcing our editor to send us to fucking cock-sucking sensitivity training.
Why do you owe us an apology, you ask? Don't pretend like you don't know; you look so ugly when you're playing coy. You know full well the level of shit you've been talking out there in reader-land. "This column blows," you say to your friends, trying to make yourself feel better by putting us down. "They ought to call it 'What's Not So Funny.'" Ha, ha -- brilliant. Never heard that one before. Yet in spite of all the odious naysaying by you and your fatuous friends, turns out we are funny.
So funny, in fact, that come this October, What's So Funny will be broadcast into homes across the nation courtesy of the good folks at the Weather Channel. Fat Americans in Duluth will be able to gaze upon our beaming countenance; pasty-faced children in Des Moines can gather around the television and drink from our bountiful pool of funny. That's because the Weather Channel, in an attempt to move away from hour-long programming blocks dedicated to flags flapping in the wind or cameras pointed directly at the sun, is shooting a series called Top 10 Weather Cities. Remarkably, Denver landed in the top ten as the tenth-driest, sixth-sunniest and second-snowiest city in America. And when producers came to town last week to film segments for the show, they rounded up the absolutely most clever, engaging, funny and devastatingly good-looking people they could to speak about Denver's weather. Naturally, What's So Funny made the short list. And even though it was What's So Funny's editor who made the cut, and What's So Funny only got added after throwing a temper tantrum in the office, then going limp in the doorway so that nobody could escape until we were allowed to participate, the fact remains that we were on that list.
It was sunny the day of the interview, and it seemed ironic that here we were, about to discuss Denver being named one of the sunniest cities in America, and there's this huge, bright sun in the sky.
"Um, you're going to say funnier things than that when the camera's rolling, right?" the producer asked.
We were at the Pepsi Center. The Weather Channel had just finished interviewing George Karl, but the Nuggets sage had wisely taken off before we got there, thus avoiding an all-out What's So Funny bear hug and pleas to pass on the message that as a result of their recent tear, any one of his players is now allowed to guest-father one of What's So Funny's children.
"The thing about Denver weather is it's always changing," What's So Funny told the producer. "In fact, there's an old saying about Denver weather and it goes, ŒIf you don't like the weather in Denver, then why don't you go back where you came from, you yuppie, California-transplant scumbag.'" The producer couldn't laugh because the camera was rolling, but we could tell that inside he was cracking up, even if he did keep checking his watch. "Because of the stockyards to the north and west," we continued, "the wind always blows the smell of cow crap into town before a storm. So you can always tell when bad weather is coming, because the whole town smells like cow crap. Well, that or the Stock Show is here. Either way, you know you're going to have drunk cowboys knocking on your door that night, trying to escape the elements." For seven or eight minutes of sheer hilarity, What's So Funny waxed comedic on things like Chapstick, snowball fights, sunglasses and shoveling the walk; there was no topic on which we couldn't crack wise. Tears welled in the eyes of everyone within earshot, and it became clear that we were not just filming a segment for some cable show. We were making history.
Goodbyes are always hard after you've shared an experience so profound, so we decided to keep things simple -- handshakes and head nods, nothing more. But as we headed off to the car and the Weather Channel crew starting preparing for an interview with some lesser columnist, the producer called out after us.
"Hey, thanks," he said. "That was funny."
But of course.