Wolverines!: Remembering the Red Dawn attack on its 25th anniversary

Remembering genuine American heroes.
Remembering genuine American heroes.

August 10, 1984 is a date that will live in infamy.

On that

fateful morning, twenty-five years ago today, the United States of

America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by air and ground forces

of the Soviet Union.

The United States was at peace with that

nation and, at the solicitation of the Soviet Union and its allies in

Central America, was still in conversation with those governments

looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Western World. And yet,

on the morning of August 10, these aggressor nations launched a large

and coordinated strike against the people and property of the United

States of America. 

The attack, using Communist infiltrators

from Mexico, Cuban military forces, Soviet Spetznaz commandos

air-dropped by disguised commercial airliners and limited nuclear

devices, caused severe damage to American civilians and military

forces. And all might have been lost in those dark days if not for a

few young Hollywood actors who (for some reason) were studying

anonymously at a small high school in Calumet, Colorado (apparently). These seven brave men and women were organized and led by the great

American hero, Patrick Swayze, who led them into the Arapahoe National

Forest where, owing to their extensive Method training, they were able

to sit around eating beans, wearing cool black Special Forces berets,

and kick the living crap out of the entire combined Soviet and Cuban

armies pretty much single-handed.

Though failing to rescue

fellow actor Harry Dean Stanton who was being held in a Communist

re-education camp on the outskirts of Calumet, the "Wolverines" (named

after the Calumet High School drama society mascot) did manage to

personally secure the entire Rocky Mountain region in the Winter of

1984-5. And while the official record states that the Wolverines

always acted as a coordinated band of paramilitary partisans, staging

hit-and-run attacks on Soviet personnel and military emplacements,

recent historical data has come to light suggesting that the

overwhelming majority of these attacks were carried out personally by

Swayze himself -- who would go out in the night, naked and greased up

with badger fat, to wreak havoc behind enemy lines and challenge Soviet

military personnel to sexy dance-offs while the rest of the Wolverines

stayed behind at camp, practicing their angry sneers, desperately

trying to contact their personal assistants and weeping.

Historical arguments aside, it is on this day -- the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Communist invasion of Las Vegas, New Mexico

Calumet, Colorado -- that we should all take a moment to quietly thank

those brave actors and actresses who gave their lives in the defense of

the Rocky Mountain West. They were young. They were beautiful. They

were deadly. In our darkest hour, they were our only defense against

the scourge of international Communism and (oddly) Mexicans. Though

some may have forgotten the specific sacrifices of these courageous men

and women, always will our whole nation remember the character of the

onslaught against us.

Rest well, Wolverines. A grateful nation thanks you.

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