Best Useless Guidebook to Colorado 2003 | Colorado: A Silly Guide to the Centennial State | Best of Denver® | Best Restaurants, Bars, Clubs, Music and Stores in Denver | Westword
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You'll learn things reading Steve Owings's new book, Colorado: A Silly Guide to the Centennial State, that you never imagined. For example, "The city's night life is best viewed from LoDo (lower downtown). Once teeming with vagrants, panhandlers, prostitutes, and abandoned warehouses the area has been rejuvenated with the addition of Coors Field, Starbucks, Planet Hollywood and numerous other attractions designed to separate you from your money just like the panhandlers and prostitutes used to especially since one mocha latte at Starbucks now costs a little more than a night with a hooker." C'mon -- that can't be true! After all, LoDo doesn't have a Planet Hollywood. But Owings's book -- published by Cabin Lake Publishing out of Colorado Springs -- offers dead-on satire on the Centennial State, if no useful information. At all.


After selling the city on redevelopment of the Platte Valley, just think how soon-to-be-ex-Denver mayor Wellington E. Webb could excel at unloading all of those unsold lofts now cluttering up the riverfront. When showing prospects the properties, WEW could demonstrate how those high ceilings accommodate even his big shoulders. Closet space for oversized tennis shoes? No problem. Act now, and he'll throw in a Rolodex full of valuable crony contacts with each signed contract.
After selling the city on redevelopment of the Platte Valley, just think how soon-to-be-ex-Denver mayor Wellington E. Webb could excel at unloading all of those unsold lofts now cluttering up the riverfront. When showing prospects the properties, WEW could demonstrate how those high ceilings accommodate even his big shoulders. Closet space for oversized tennis shoes? No problem. Act now, and he'll throw in a Rolodex full of valuable crony contacts with each signed contract.
To further protect the Webb legacy along the Platte, Her First Ladiness needs to come to the aid of the one big clunker in her hubby's redevelopment scheme: the failed Ocean Journey, soon to become a theme park where relatives of your entree swim while you eat. As a gracious greeter, handing out menus and urging patrons to consider the shark du jour, Wilma Webb could help the hungry forget the aquarium's murky history.
To further protect the Webb legacy along the Platte, Her First Ladiness needs to come to the aid of the one big clunker in her hubby's redevelopment scheme: the failed Ocean Journey, soon to become a theme park where relatives of your entree swim while you eat. As a gracious greeter, handing out menus and urging patrons to consider the shark du jour, Wilma Webb could help the hungry forget the aquarium's murky history.


The dad's the bleeping prince of darkness, his wife's a bleeping bleep, and the kids are so bleeping out of their bleeping heads, talking such crazy bleep about who's bleeping who in the bleeping bleep.... This kind of high drama, relentless passion and utter clarity deserves the high-minded poetry and incisive sentiment of moonstruck Arapahoe County Clerk Tracy Baker, whose bleeping electronic messages to his bleeping deputy are currently the subject of a court battle.
The dad's the bleeping prince of darkness, his wife's a bleeping bleep, and the kids are so bleeping out of their bleeping heads, talking such crazy bleep about who's bleeping who in the bleeping bleep.... This kind of high drama, relentless passion and utter clarity deserves the high-minded poetry and incisive sentiment of moonstruck Arapahoe County Clerk Tracy Baker, whose bleeping electronic messages to his bleeping deputy are currently the subject of a court battle.
Former parking czar John Oglesby left Denver employ in disgrace after his world-class bungle over a new! improved! parking plan. But come this summer, it's a whole new bawl game, with a new

mayor and lots of new opportunities in the city -- where Oglesby could reclaim his hefty Career Service Authority pay level as snowplow czar. He already has the only apparent qualification necessary for the job: Know exactly where every parking meter in the city is located so you can be certain to block access to every last one (except on the meter reader's side) with a big bank of snow.

Former parking czar John Oglesby left Denver employ in disgrace after his world-class bungle over a new! improved! parking plan. But come this summer, it's a whole new bawl game, with a new

mayor and lots of new opportunities in the city -- where Oglesby could reclaim his hefty Career Service Authority pay level as snowplow czar. He already has the only apparent qualification necessary for the job: Know exactly where every parking meter in the city is located so you can be certain to block access to every last one (except on the meter reader's side) with a big bank of snow.


In the middle of the blizzard of the century -- depending on where you start counting -- a savvy reader snapped this natural phenomenon in the 1500 block of Stout Street. Meet Frosty, the Snow Man-o-Man.

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