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Best New Job for Ward Churchill

Ralphie's liberator

No, you can't fire Ward Churchill for what he's said. And the University of Colorado Regents won't buy him out, for fear of what everyone else will say. So why not merge the school's two longest-running scandals and let Ward Churchill lead Ralphie off the ignominious field of CU's roughest legal battle, letting the pair ride off into the sunset -- and out of the headlines? Go away, Buffs!

Best New Job for Ward Churchill

Ralphie's liberator

No, you can't fire Ward Churchill for what he's said. And the University of Colorado Regents won't buy him out, for fear of what everyone else will say. So why not merge the school's two longest-running scandals and let Ward Churchill lead Ralphie off the ignominious field of CU's roughest legal battle, letting the pair ride off into the sunset -- and out of the headlines? Go away, Buffs!

Best Homage to Ward Churchill

"Die Hippie Die"
South Park

One-time University of Colorado film students Trey Parker and Matt Stone took note of their alma mater's most infamous professor with an episode of South Park called "Die Hippie Die," in which a character named Crunchy referred to "little Eichmanns," using Ward Churchill's most infamous utterance.

Best Homage to Ward Churchill

"Die Hippie Die"
South Park

One-time University of Colorado film students Trey Parker and Matt Stone took note of their alma mater's most infamous professor with an episode of South Park called "Die Hippie Die," in which a character named Crunchy referred to "little Eichmanns," using Ward Churchill's most infamous utterance.

Best New Job for Betsy Hoffman

Romance novelist

The title Terms of Endearment is already taken, but during her four and a half years at the University of Colorado, president Elizabeth Hoffman has collected enough dramatic material to keep an author busy for decades. And with her background in medieval studies -- Hoffman may not know when to fire an athletic director, but she knows her Chaucer -- she should be able to tell those stories with a verve that will thrill cuntless fans.

Best New Job for Betsy Hoffman

Romance novelist

The title Terms of Endearment is already taken, but during her four and a half years at the University of Colorado, president Elizabeth Hoffman has collected enough dramatic material to keep an author busy for decades. And with her background in medieval studies -- Hoffman may not know when to fire an athletic director, but she knows her Chaucer -- she should be able to tell those stories with a verve that will thrill cuntless fans.

Best New Job for Bill Owens

President, Focus on the Family

Four years ago, Colorado's governor was rumored to be in line for president. The rumors just didn't say president of what. And now, eighteen months after his separation torpedoed whatever political future Bill Owens might have had, why not simply send him south to Colorado Springs and make him head of Focus on the Family? With his penchant for national publicity and his conservative-values bent, he could easily take over where James Dobson leaves off. But Owens might want to save some time to focus on his own family.

Best New Job for Bill Owens

President, Focus on the Family

Four years ago, Colorado's governor was rumored to be in line for president. The rumors just didn't say president of what. And now, eighteen months after his separation torpedoed whatever political future Bill Owens might have had, why not simply send him south to Colorado Springs and make him head of Focus on the Family? With his penchant for national publicity and his conservative-values bent, he could easily take over where James Dobson leaves off. But Owens might want to save some time to focus on his own family.

Best Quote by Bill Owens

On Hunter S. Thompson's death

Among the accomplishments of Hunter S. Thompson, this state's most famous adopted son, was that he "certainly increased substantially the alcohol consumption at the Woody Creek Tavern," Governor Bill Owens pronounced. All of Colorado is still on fire over that one.

Best Quote by Bill Owens

On Hunter S. Thompson's death

Among the accomplishments of Hunter S. Thompson, this state's most famous adopted son, was that he "certainly increased substantially the alcohol consumption at the Woody Creek Tavern," Governor Bill Owens pronounced. All of Colorado is still on fire over that one.

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