All of this bitch-ass-ness had been stressing me out before Ol' Jeffy stuck his nose in our legal cannabis. After he announced the end of several federal cannabis protections dating back to 2009, anyone supporting Colorado's pot sector became paranoid — and it wasn't from smoking too much Haze. But alas, I'm a stoner, not a political analyst. So instead of giving you hot takes on how to fix this country (you have Facebook and your dad for that), here are ten strains that will help you deal with the mockery all of these fuck boys in Washington, D.C., have been making of our country.
LSD
While anyone who appreciates a vivid cerebral experience would enjoy the mind-bending high of LSD, it can be a little too kaleidoscopic for some. My peripheral vision is instantly eliminated upon smoking it, as is any sort of motivation to leave my seat. The heavy indica effects make it hard to imagine this being anything other than a nighttime strain for recreational purposes, but LSD’s strong ability to subdue could make it a daytime option for medical patients.
Amnesia Haze
Amnesia Haze’s bark might be worse than its bite. While it can cause users to become dim if they overdo it, the fresh sativa makes me alert and productive after two or three bowls — and that doesn’t wane. The strain is popular among patients suffering from mental and physical fatigue as well as anxiety and eating disorders.
Presidential Kush
We haven’t found a POTUS with the balls to legalize this beautiful plant yet, but you can still walk softly and carry a big spliff of Presidential Kush. Maybe if more global leaders did, the world wouldn’t seem so scary.
Deadhead OG
Just like the band, the strain is understated but powerful, giving users of all tolerances a comfortable escape from daily tolls on the body and soul. Chemdawg 91 and San Fernando Valley OG Kush genetics create a relaxing but manageable high light on focus and worries. The high won’t have you swaying in a crowd of wooks without an expression on your face, but I still wouldn’t recommend smoking more than a couple hits before going out in public.
Nurse Jackie
I’m not sure how open Dr. Quinn was to alternative medicine, but I like to think she’s doling out joints of Nurse Jackie to patients in the sky. True to its name, Nurse Jackie’s a healer. Her high is uplifting and manageable while relaxing the body and stomach at the same time, making it an obvious choice for those who have pain or trouble eating in the morning.
Ghost Train Haze
Although it’s known for testing above 25 percent THC, Ghost Train Haze has more desirable qualities than other top testers, with a much more dynamic flavor profile than Gorilla Glue and more consistent sativa effects than Blue Dream. Needless to say, a little bowl will go a long way with the Ghost. Toked in moderation, it can make users feel uplifted and creative, motivating them to do anything from write a poem to climb a Fourteener. But overdoing it can also cause paranoia and bring on a harsh case of cottonmouth, so start light and go from there.
Chernobyl
Good for minor mental disorders, depression and stress, Chernobyl provides a calming but powerful head high that also helps with stomach issues. For recreational purposes, Chernobyl is fine for relaxation without exhaustion, as users can still have energy — albeit somewhat unfocused — despite the overwhelming euphoria.
Gelato
Also known as Larry Bird in some circles, the Bay Area strain is a transplant that Colorado natives might actually want here, bred with Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies and Sunset Sherbet genetics for a silky but debilitating high. Relaxation and sleep have always been my two biggest takeaways from Gelato, but its heavy effects can also treat pain, depression and stomach issues. Although the strain can bring about creativity, the hazy head high might leave you out of order.
Gorilla Glue
Herbert Fuego
A strain that took its name from the famous adhesive should have the same brute power, and Gorilla Glue (the strain) definitely does. Its family lineage is basically a soda-fountain suicide concoction: a Chemdawg phenotype, Sour Dubb and Chocolate Diesel came together for a three-way that birthed some of the best trichome-producing buds on the planet.
Bubba Kush
No sense in trying to sugarcoat it — this strain will floor you if you’re not ready. Bubba Kush gives smokers a strong helping of stereotypical side effects: happy, hungry, sleepy — almost always in that order. Mild eating disorders, insomnia, stress and neck pain bow in submission.
