5. Kenny Loggins If you're gonna honor embarrassing crooners, might as well make it double as an excuse to whip out those boat shoes and captain's hat you all got at thrift stores. He's also got the inspiring facial hair Phil Collins never did. Blouses are coming back, baby.
4. Art Garfunkel Ramp up the irony by honoring rock history's greatest side-kick punchline. Did you know he's released ten solo albums, including one in 2007? Our dad owns at least three of those, and we can confirm that they are awful. Also, he never strayed from the white-man fro, and it has not aged well.
3. Melle Mel Assimilating hip-hop culture is nearly as dear to the die-hard hipster as apathy, so who better than Melle Mel to honor in an off the mark tribute? As the man behind "The Message," Melle Mel is the perfect showcase for how deep their hip-hop roots go. Deep enough to spend half an hour on Wikipedia, suckers.
2. Fergie They'll never see it coming. Brooklyn hipsters are so far ahead of everyone else that they're already seeing the kitsch value in current pop stars like Fergie. Like all ironic passions, they've also forgotten that she's terrible. We could probably get some ghost of DJ Rumba references in this parade as well.
1. Thurston Moore He's already gone through several stages of the hipster messiah story, as prophesied by arrogant rich kids centuries ago. Doesn't have the irony value of the others, but this one could actually turn into some kind of revolutionary march. Forget the paper face masks and mock participation in stupid societal institutions; they could gather a following under the banner of Thurston and march straight to City Hall, where they'd all realize they don't actually stand for anything at all.
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