It's high time our drunk, drugged up musician friends learn their lessons by having prosecutors get uber creative with their sentences. These assholes have billions of dollars to grease the wheels of justice and buy Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards (and even if they are sent to the clink, we all know they get special treatment). That in mind, here's some alternative sentencing ideas we came up with.
5. George Michael We don't know what the big deal is about lewd acts or sex in public, but apparently, it is illegal and nobody knows this better than George Michael. Unfortunately, this legendary '80s pop star has been thrown in the clink twice for wanting some sex. Instead of community service, we think the George should have been ordered to perform "I Want Your Sex" in public restrooms all around America... in his "Wake me up before you go-go" shorts. Not only would that discourage others from participating in crude behavior in public, but it encourages safety and dancing.
4. Pete Doherty We aren't sure what the fuck Pete's problem is, but we are certain of one thing: He's a massive drug addict that isn't, in any way, being helped by the prison system or rehab. Instead of arresting him, throwing him in rehab, and fining the crap out of him, how about forcing him to get his teeth fixed in a new reality show called "Busted!" No anesthesia. The pull of the show would be how to deal with pain without medication. He could do yoga and meditate with Kate. Fucking Brilliant.
3. Vince Neil There's nothing better than seeing a lame, old rocker try to revamp his fading career and deteriorating looks. This Motley fella has been arrested from everything from vehicular manslaughter (seriously) to driving under the influence. So it's clear Mr. Neil may have a problem with the drink, and equally clear that throwing him in jail and fining him isn't working. So why not take away his hair? It's fake anyway, and we doubt he would be so apt to go partying if his thick blond extensions were taken out to reveal the balding fifty year-old that he really is.
2. Christina Aguilera It seems that since Christina bailed on her marriage, she's been sipping on Grampy's cough medicine just a little too much. With her recent run in with the law, it seems absolutely necessary to intervene with some tough love, like... working permanently for Disney. No more drinking and partying Christina. Instead, she would compelled to guest star on every damn Disney show that's on television. And not only will she have to appear on shows like Zach and Cody Take over a Boat -- or whatever the hell it's called -- but she will also need to tour with the non-musician musicians on the big Disney tours. We're fairly certain that will snap her ass out of this downward spiral. But more importantly, it'll give us all something to laugh at. Seriously, how are they going to hide her rack?!?!
1. Marilyn Manson Marilyn is an odd little fella, but we enjoy his antics. He's been fighting "the man" with his aggressive, controversial music foreves, so when he got arrested in 2001 for rubbing his junk on a security guard, we weren't all that shocked. We did, on the other hand, believe his punishment probably didn't teach him much of a lesson. So since we know Manson hates organized religion. Why not make him work childcare at a Catholic Church during services every Sunday? All day Sunday, that is. It'll teach him to put his junk and attitude away because sometimes, especially when put together, they can be scary. And... no make-up. The kids are scared enough of God, Marilyn.
