Dear Mexican: Are There Healing Powers in Beans and Pig's Feet?

Dear Mexican: Hey, I was wondering why it is that Mexicans are said to have low risk for heart attacks, considering they eat lots of beans, animal intestines and other strange foods like pig’s feet and cow tongue. Could there be some mysterious magical healing power in all these cultural cuisines?
Max Cherry Burger

Dear Gabacho: How is eating animal intestines, pig’s feet and cow tongue “strange”? That’s working-class food, whether you’re Polish or Mexican, black or a good ol’ boy from a Kentucky holler, and it’s certainly better than the mainstream mierda that gabachos eat. Another fact you got wrong: Mexicans as paragons of heart health. Maybe in el pasado, when we mostly ate cactus and human flesh, but that was a long time ago. Nowadays, no less an authority than the American Heart Association says on its website that Mexis “face even higher risks of cardiovascular diseases because of high blood pressure, obesity and diabetes” due to our newfound diet in the States and lack of exercise. And this affliction isn’t just a pocho thing, either: A 2010 American Heart Journal study by Benjamín Acosta-Cázares and Jorge Escobedo de la Peña showed that the rate of Mexicans in Mexico dying of heart disease doubled between 1970 and 2000, as did rates of high blood pressure and diabetes. Fact is, Mexicans are dying a slow, obese, short-breathed death gracias to our new, Americanized eating patterns. Call it Donald Trump’s revenge.

Dear Mexican: I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and typically find your responses insightful, even if I might not always agree with your view of history. However, when you replied to an admittedly hostile question about assimilation and education level, you completely dropped the ball. Not only did your snarky response fall flat (the Randy Racist spelled the word in question correctly in the body of his e-mail), but more important, you missed a great opportunity to explain a stereotype that from many perspectives seems to be pretty legit. Did this one hit a little too close to home?
Ad Hominem Attacks Are for Losers

Dear Gabacho: You’re referring to a question that appeared in my column in Westword (which printed your letter last week, along with another one slamming me) that insisted that Mexicans don’t assimilate while referring to us as “beans” and “beaners,” opining that I’ve got my head up my ass and concluding that Mexico is a “shithole country.” And you’re upset with me for dismissing his racism with a flippant remark? Sorry, but the Mexican’s responses are based on the question posed. And, in your case, this is what you get: Vete a la chingada, pinche pendejo baboso inútil.