Kenny Be's Worst-Case Scenario: Mysterious Colorado cattle mutilations explained

Ufologists want to claim that aliens are cherry-picking livestock's udders, tongues and organs. However, more plausible theories do exist... ...Desperate and unemployed persons who can no longer afford to buy packaged hot dogs are harvesting the ingredients to make their own. Look below for more mutilation!...

By Kenny Be

December 17, 2009

[
        {
          "name": "Air - MediumRectangle - Inline Content - Mobile Display Size",
          "component": "12017618",
          "insertPoint": "2",
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "2"
        },{
          "name": "Editor Picks",
          "component": "17242653",
          "insertPoint": "4",
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "1"
        },{
          "name": "Inline Links",
          "component": "18838239",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 8,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "7",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Air - MediumRectangle - Combo - Inline Content",
          "component": "17261320",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 8,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "7",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Inline Links",
          "component": "18838239",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 12,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "11",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Air - Leaderboard Tower - Combo - Inline Content",
          "component": "17261321",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 12,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "11",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        }
      ]

Ufologists want to claim that aliens are cherry-picking livestock's udders, tongues and organs. However, more plausible theories do exist...

...Desperate and unemployed persons who can no longer afford to buy packaged hot dogs are harvesting the ingredients to make their own.

Look below for more mutilation!

...G.O.P. Party Chairman DickWad Hams has been stealing bovine organs to prepare a magic elixir he uses to rejuvenate the state Republican brain trust. ...The ranchers who notified the authorities about the mutilations are actually in the midst of negotiating a reality-TV program development deal.

KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. Your membership allows us to continue offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food, and culture with no paywalls. You can support us by joining as a member for as little as $1.