BILL McCARTNEY
Occupation: Hot-for-Jesus love machine
Coach Mac wasn't content to have other guys get together in big, sweaty masses and talk about how bad they'd been to their women. He had a deep need to punish himself, too--and he gave himself a good, hard flagellating this year. McCartney claimed in a new book that he used to be a boozehound and first said "I love you" to his wife, Lyndi, during an alcoholic rage triggered when she "took the Lord's name in vain." Then his minister, James Ryle of Boulder, dished some more dirt to the New York Times, telling a reporter that Lyndi went bulimic after Coach Mac told her he'd diagrammed a few plays with another woman. It didn't seem to matter that the affair had taken place a full two decades earlier, long before the McCartneys' own daughter played the field herself and produced two out-of-wedlock grandchildren sired by two different CU football players. Just because the "sexual sin" was 24 years old was no reason not to dredge it up and let it hurt so good. Why, it was almost like getting nailed to the cross--well, like getting nailed, anyway.
Most Notable Achievement: Named one of People magazine's 25 most intriguing people of the year.
Most Notable Disappointment: During illicit fling, needed fifth down to score.
Quote (from Lyndi): "I vomited every day for more than seven months."
THE DENVER NUGGETS
Occupation: To be determined
After the Lugnuts started the season 1-14, vice president of basketball operations Allan Bristow offered fans a ray of hope by suggesting that the team might bid on Golden State Warriors thug Latrell Sprewell once he got off his one-year suspension for choking and threatening to kill his "bitch," otherwise known as head coach P.J. Carlesimo. And that was one of Bristow's better ideas. Up until then, the Lugnuts had merely dumped promising forward Antonio McDyess to Phoenix, assembled a cast of no-names to kill time at McNichols before firing up the cash register at the new Pepsi Center, and named Charlie Hustle--otherwise known as Bill Hanzlik--to keep everyone peppy during the slow march into the valley of death. But, hey--maybe Latrell will win his appeal and sign with the Lugnuts this season. They can always use another choker.
Most Notable Achievement: Scoured nation's backwaters to find Priest Lauderdale, a 7-foot-4-inch man whose preferred method of finding the basket is bumping his head on the rim.
Most Notable Disappointment: Forced to watch as Vulcan death god Bernie Bickerstaff, who wrecked franchise before splitting town, was hailed as genius in new job with Washington Wizards.
Quote (from McDyess, after returning to town with the Suns): "This is a little worse than I thought."
B.J. BROOKS
Occupation: Chip-shot artist
It was a banner year for Our Miss Brooks, poster child for the Webb administration's love of patronage and perks. When B.J., Denver's manager of parks and recreation, wasn't parking her Mercedes with the personalized "B.J." plates in a private downtown lot using her official city parking pass--so she could inspect Coors Field during a Rockies game, she told an inquiring Channel 4 reporter with a straight face--she was using her cabinet-level clout to get herself prime tee times on crowded city courses. In fact, reports said the super-duffer played more than twenty rounds of golf in a four-month period--the equivalent of two solid weeks of "fore!" play. That's the kind of dedication you just have to applaud. Give us a B! Give us a J! Give us a B.J.!
Most Notable Achievement: Managed to pop wheelie with stock-model golf cart on back-nine straightaway at City Park.
Most Notable Disappointment: After 4,783 rounds, still not sure what a "mulligan" is.
Quote: "I'm Tiger Woods."
JIM DELONG
Occupation: Travelin' man
Denver's high-flying airport boss treated DIA like his own personal landing strip, but after the city's October blizzard brought traffic to a standstill at the world's leading "all-weather airport," Jimmy-Boy came crashing to earth like a ValuJet DC-9. As the big blow progressed, members of the public found themselves buried in snowdrifts along Pena Boulevard while fleets of city plows worked to keep runways open for planes that weren't going anywhere. DeLong later apologized for having boogied out to South Dakota before the storm hit and also for not checking in with his subordinates until long after the blizzard had passed. Apparently, the city's top aviation guru thought the situation was well in hand thanks to his inspired backup plan: having secretaries drive snowplows in the event of an emergency.
Most Notable Achievement: Earned enough frequent-flier credits on South Dakota trip to win free Gameboy.
Most Notable Disappointment: Plan to send automated baggage carts out as rescue vehicles failed when system jammed.
Quote: "I regret that I wasn't here."
LIZ ORR
Occupation: Interior decorator
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. Just ask Thin Lizzie, the Denver finance manager and chief Pepsi Center negotiator who whipped out a can of green spray paint last spring and laid some major hurt on the wardrobe, shower curtain and bed of her former paramour, a Denver fire-division chief. The 49-year-old Orr--who reportedly suspected the friendly fireman had been hooking his hose up to someone else's hydrant--pled guilty to misdemeanor charges of harassment and criminal mischief; a judge ordered her to pay restitution for all the stylin' clothes she'd spritzed and tacked on fifty hours of community service and two years of probation. As further punishment for the Thelma-and-Louise-style rampage, Orr was ushered out of her City Hall office but kept her $82,000 salary after being named a "special consultant" to the mayor. Hey--love really does mean never having to say you're sorry!
Most Notable Accomplishment: Green paint blended nicely with yellow fungus on shower curtain.
Most Notable Disappointment: Failed to follow through on plan to "tag" forehead of Ascent Entertainment chief Charlie Lyons during Pepsi Center talks.
Quote (from prosecutor John Hower): "The incident is one of a romantic relationship, not a criminal state of mind."
FRANK, JAMIE AND FROSTY
Occupation: Howard Stern wannabes
The fearsome threesome at KALC-FM/106 were known for discussing their bodily functions on the air, and babelicious Jamie got a rise out of many a young buck with her tantalizing orgasm discussions. But this year Frank Kramer, Jamie White and Frosty Stillwell blew the lid off the gross-o-meter when they joked on the air about the drowning death of a man who had suffered an epileptic seizure in front of his children. The kids could have made a "seizure salad" if they'd had some lettuce, observed Stillwell, while his cohorts chortled in the background. Hey, you should have heard the one about the crippled kid in the wheelchair down at the bowling alley...
Most Notable Accomplishment: Station offered to run public-service announcements about epilepsy--on its low-rated Sunday-morning show.
Most Notable Disappointment: Totally bummer scene diverted attention from Jamie's bodacious tatas.
Quote (from station manager Graham Satherlie, refusing to comment on whether the three had been suspended): "I don't want to air our dirty laundry in public."
CHUCK GREEN
Occupation: Defender of children and small animals
Plenty of journalists got egg on their faces covering the JonBenet case: After penning a love note to the Ramsey family headlined "Are They Innocent?" Rocky Mountain News reporter Lisa Levitt Ryckman was rewarded with a starring role on Geraldo Rivera's MSNBC cable show, on which she played Brenda Starr to Geraldo's Dick Tracy. But the Green Hornet made Ryckman and other local cop-sniffers look like the lightweights they were. The Denver Post columnist cranked out no fewer than 56 columns on the Ramsey case in a single year's time, including an oddly Freudian "Dear JonBenet" letter in which he informed America's People's Princess that he had thought about her "skipping through the meadows of heaven" while he was holding his garden hose.
Most Notable Accomplishment: Notorious dog-lover followed up last year's Snowy and Keko crusade by writing column eulogizing his own cancer-ridden pooch, Gus--in advance.
Most Notable Disappointment: Claim to be the most sued journalist in Colorado failed to impress media bigshots from out of town.
Quote (from the letter to JonBenet): "It was while I was watching the cool, clear water splash over the tender, green shoots of hyacinth that I thought about you."
DEBBIE ORTEGA
Occupation: Hot item
What can you say about a 41-year-old city councilwoman who marries a 20-year-old illegal alien from Guadalajara in City Hall and then asks the public to wish her and her new beau well as they embark on wedded bliss? What else? Look-ing good, mama!
Most Notable Accomplishment: What she brings to marriage: one-year-old granddaughter. What he brings to marriage: one-year-old daughter.
Most Notable Disappointment: Wedding garter caught by undercover INS agent.
Quote: "He's got some documentation, and we're going to sit down and go through that.
