War Counsel

Through no fault of my own, actual pieces of news sometimes, somehow, work their way into the inner confines of What's So Funny headquarters. Situated comfortably in my vacuum-sealed, germ-free giant obelisk that hovers menacingly above the city, kestrel-like in its vigilance, one would think mine would be an impregnable fortress of humor, a comical refuge where the dick jokes flow like wine, where men in ill-fitting tuxedos engage in hilarious pratfalls hourly, and where someone is always, always, teasing a penguin. But this is not the case. Like minorities at the University of Colorado, the news just keeps sneaking in. Perhaps the couriers who bring my daily shipment of Betty and Veronica Double Digests steal it in, smuggling the events of the day like so much black-tar heroin up an anus. Or maybe it's those bitter, jealous daily columnists who do it, pumping in las noticias through the vents to try to slow my non-stop assault of ass-kicking raw funniness. "If we alert him to the tragedies of the day," they must think, "then surely it will curb his relentless wit long enough for the rest of us to catch up. Tell him about the fallout from those Mohammad cartoons; that ought to slow him down." And I'm like, hello, those comics were nothing. You ought to see the drawing I did of that guy camping in Wyoming with Heath Ledger. Hi-larious. Yet touching, too, in a why-can't-the-world-just-let-us-be-who-we-are kind of way.

How come I can't quit you, Mohammad?

Still, occasionally pieces of news do catch me off guard -- sound bites and tidbits that leave me alternately flummoxed, befuddled and punchy. Two such gobstobbers of newsiness did it to me last week. First: John Walters, director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy, revealed the Bush administration's 2006 National Drug Control Policy right here in the fine city of Denver. Second: Walters then announced that teenage girls are now using marijuana and alcohol at a higher rate than teenage boys. Does anyone else see the discrepancy here? Walters is waltzing around ranting nonsensically about the need to continue fighting a war on drugs, while slutty, boozed-up teenage girls are smoking sticky-icky in record-breaking numbers? Earth to Captain McDrug Czar: You're winning the war on drugs! I don't know where the fuck you come from, Walters, but where I come from, we call that victory. Sexy, sexy victory.

Nobody knows for sure exactly why Bush chose Denver as the place to announce the new drug policy -- most people are just happy that the man has decided to resume normal presidential activity and pipe down about "animal hybrids" -- but theories abound. Some contend it has to do with our city's decision last November to legalize possession of small amounts of marijuana. Others claim that Denver was chosen because it's a crossroads for drug trafficking, particularly methamphetamines. I say the White House chose us for our 300 days of sunshine, genial attitudes and sensibly priced hotel accommodations. Whatever the reason, the brothers-in-drugs definitely set up shop in our back yard last week and dispensed with new measures as loony as any toon -- and that includes old-school Daffy Duck when he was positively fucking crazy!

One step in the administration's crack plan calls for increasing the number of high schools participating in random drug tests of students. Wow, that ought to solve everything! Hey, Jimmy, are you smoking weed? You are? Well, all right! Thanks for participating! That only cost us $3,000. Let me save you a little time and money, American government (if that is your real name): High school kids are doing drugs. All of them. The hot, rich girls are doing coke, the trashy trucker crowd is gittin' 'er dun with meth, and everyone and their mom is smoking weed. Yes, even little asthmatic Kevin in the A/V club, who got a contact high hanging out with the kids from stagecraft. Furthermore, Dontrell, who's usually found at the back of the Esplanade at East High School, on the City Park side, has the best bud in town right now. But don't let him charge you $60 for an eighth of that shit, because he'll cave and go down to $50 if you threaten to walk away from the deal. I'm just saying.

And try this on for size: In 2006, our savvy government will work closely with Colombia to increase aerial eradication of coca plantations that they determine are used strictly for the production of pure cocaine. Brilliant! Because everyone knows how effective and precise our aerial surveillance is. Just ask Pakistan. If we are going to work with South America, I say we forget the drugs and concentrate on befriending Hugo Chavez before he gets Cuba and China to kill us.

Jesus, are you reading this informed rhetoric? There has been a serious breach in the What's So Funny fortress of humortude. Newsiness has positively infected this place. Bush, Walters, thanks so much for stopping by and enlightening us all with your vision of a better America. Keep up the great work, tax breaks all around.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an obelisk to air out.