Milo's is a perfectly equipped laboratory. Like its sibling, the College Inn, it features numerous TVs and game sounds throughout the bar -- which are crucial if you're going to truly appreciate any sporting event. Trying to watch a game while some "music" like Jay-Z blares overhead is like trying to have sex while talking on the phone with your parents: The act may still be enjoyable, but you can't really lose yourself in the moment. And Milo's also scores in another crucial area: big and little beers. The choice in drink size quickly separates the men from the boys and the diehards from the casual problem drinkers. Ordering a little beer invites ridicule and calls into question whether you have the critical structures that make a guy a guy. Still, it's better than not showing up at all to consume a super-sized beer.
The Redneck Liaison wussed out on us the other night. If you have no good excuse for a no-show, here's a tip: Don't answer your phone. (Better yet, turn it off so that your wife isn't bothered by the ringing all night.) And if you blow it and do answer, make up a good lie. Acceptable lies are family in town, illness of a loved one (being sick yourself doesn't count unless you are actually in the hospital) and active labor. Do not answer with something like "I have to catch up on studying," especially if you've never been seen studying. Above all, take your medicine like a man.
The stiffed group is obligated to place at least one call to the no-show every five minutes throughout the night. Each call must conclude with a suitably inappropriate rant -- delivered directly or left on voice-mail -- detailing what a girl the MIA guy is. Two or three people calling at the same time is preferable, since it helps convey the urgency of the situation. Also, the more messages the drinkers leave, the longer they postpone the inevitable call that the MIA person will make the next morning, hoping to catch the drinkers in a hangover. Because first, he'll have to spend a good half-hour slogging through all the messages just so he knows he hasn't missed a serious call telling him he's won a large cash prize or that his medical tests came back positive and he should pick up his antibiotics immediately.
By the time we were done harassing the Redneck, we'd forgotten all about our breakfast experiment and had instead settled on such standard bar fare as wings, chili cheese fries and mac-n-cheese with ham. Not that we were scientifically lazy: We've now expanded our proposal to include the supposition that overdoing bar food as well as beer leads to a much worse hangover.
Since the grant will surely be awarded any day now, I encourage all the rest of you scientists to get out to Milo's and enjoy breakfast with your booze; we need numbers to really test our theories. And while you may not feel too good the morning after, you should at least feel good that you're helping your fellow man.
