Doritos, pizza rolls, almost every form of snack cake and the entire dollar menu are all in the Hall of Fame for stoner munchies.
Still, there's a certain point when all culinary standards go up in smoke. And that's where these ten foods come in:
10. Funyuns: If you were to cut a slice of onion and leave it on your kitchen counter for three weeks, it would probably turn into Funyuns. They're chalky, excessively salty and taste like old onions. What's not to like...besides everything? But if that bag of Funyons is the only thing in the cupboard and the corner store is, like, three long blocks away and you're freaked out by the way the cashier looks at you, they'll do.
9. Cake, hold the cake: At this point, you're so messed up that you can't even say "Type 2 Diabetes," and you sure as hell don't have the motor skills or patience to bake a whole cake. Why not just whip up a simple batch of this sugar storm? If you smoke another bowl, you can probably feel the cavities forming. Actually, the true stoner way would be to just grab a can of frosting, spoon optional.
8. Tomato Soup . . . made with ketchup and water: Better known as "the broke ski bum special." This free cup of disgusting can be perked up with some salt, pepper and, if you're lucky, crackers. The quasi-soup is pretty much a last resort -- so if it starts looking good to you, we want the number of your dealer.
7. Larvets: According to the packaging, Larvets are the "Original Worm Snax," not to be confused with all the other crunchy meal worm snacks with their boring, conventional spelling. Because when you are so stoned that you crave Mexican Spice-flavored worms, you want worms with edge and attitude, worms that don't have time for "cks" when a bad-ass "x" will do.
6. CornNuts: Hard enough to crack a perfectly healthy tooth in half and available in an array of questionable flavors, these fall into the "I need something to chew on" category. Quadruple your enjoyment by listening to this tragically funny and short-lived "Bust a nut!" radio campaign while snacking; the catchy tune will have you singing "You can do it at school, just don't get caught. Bust a nut!" all day long.
5. Cheeseburger HotPockets Sideshots: Just when you were looking for something more horrific than a regular cheeseburger HotPocket, the company came out with Sideshots. Synthetic bread wraps the processed meat and neon cheese, which is either still frozen or boiling lava hot -- because the only thing better than chemically altered food is chemically altered food served at extreme and unappealing temperatures.
4. Easy Cheese straight: You're in the recliner, the Beavis and Butthead complete series DVD is playing, and the crackers are all the way in the kitchen, man. Tilt your head back and enjoy all fifteen of Easy Cheese's ingredients. We recommend the Cheddar 'n Bacon flavor, because that's one less trip to the fridge.
3. Haggis Ice Cream: Available through Morelli's Gelato at Harrods in London, haggis ice cream will only appeal to sheep intestine fans or the most stoned people on earth. But if you're ever really baked in London, check it out.
2. Croutons, ranch dressing, marshmallows and Cinnamon Toast Crunch: This little gem was posted on The Stoner's Cookbook by "too high for a nickname," lest you question its legitimacy as a stoner snack. No doubt major snack companies are fighting for the recipe, because the tag line "For those looking for something sweet, crunchy, salty, soft, ranchy and vomit-inducing" just rolls off the tongue.
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SHOW ME HOW
1. 64 slices of American cheese: Looks like plastic, smells like plastic and tastes like plastic. But fold it in half, bite a hole in the middle, bite off the corners, and then what do you have? Cheese doughnut. Don't act like you've never done it. Quit looking at me weird. Screw you guys, I'm going to get high.