America's Most Wanted: The criminal cereal-mascot edition
Attention Cereal Eaters: The following ten cereal mascots are wanted by the authorities for a variety of criminal activities. They are fugitives from justice and currently at-large. United States law enforcement agencies encourage the community to assist in the fight against crime by overcoming the three key elements that inhibit community involvement in the apprehension, arrest, and conviction of these criminal breakfast elements: fear, apathy, and morning hunger.
If you see any of these most-wanted cereal pitchmen, please do not approach. Contact your local FBI office, American Embassy, or grocer. And under no circumstances should you supply them with, or accept from them, cold cereal and milk.
Buzz Bee DOB: 1979 Height/Weight: 5 ½"/6 oz. Hair/Eyes: Bald (w/antennae)/Black Wanted for: Impersonating a Medical Professional
Suffers from undiagnosed Multiple Personality Disorder -- while in his natural state, he simply goes around extolling the virtues of honey and nuts. But he also has frequent and apparently unrecognized shifts of consciousness in which he takes on an exaggerated Spanish accent and shills for allergy medication.
"Cap'n" Horatio Magellan Crunch DOB: 1963 Height/Weight: 3'5"/96 lbs. Hair/Eyes: White/Blue Wanted for: Piracy
This aging naval officer (rank and service in dispute) is now sought on conspiracy charges with known French buccaneer Jean LaFoote. Defended himself in a written statement to police (delivered by parrot) by blaming "the Soggies"; mental instability may be related in some way to deteriorating syphilitic condition, which he refers to as "the crunchberries."
Count Chocula DOB: 1971 Height/Weight: 5'11"/142 lbs. Hair/Eyes: Brown/Brown Wanted for: Electronic Mail Fraud
Chocula was the initial instigator of the now rampant Transylvanian e-mail scam, in which he pretends to be a Count (or other low-level member of the European gentry), claims that he needs to transfer his fortune into America, and that he'll pay large sums of money for aid. Known conspirators are known only by alias: Frankenberry, Boo-Berry, Yummy Mummy, and Fruit Brute.
Lucky the Leprechaun DOB: 1963 Height/Weight: 2'5"/18 lbs. Hair/Eyes: Red/Black Wanted for: Incitement, Public Nuisance
Dresses in green suit, bowler hat, claims to be mythical leprechaun, offers treasure if someone "catches" him, to which small crowds of children respond with various levels of inappropriate behavior. Has been brought in on drunk and disorderly several times, though blames this not on hard liquor but on "marshmallow surprises."
Silly Rabbit DOB: 1954 Height/Weight: 4'1"/66 lbs. Hair/Eyes: none (16" ears, white tail)/Black Wanted for: Petty Theft, Fraud, Impersonating an Officer of the Law, Forgery
Answering to the street name "Silly Rabbit," this John Doe assailant is otherwise unknown as to name or origin. What is known is that he has committed multiple counts of fraud in dozens of situations, pretending to be anything that seems advantageous at the time: Native American, scientist, even police officer. Other times, he's resorted to outright and direct theft. He was arrested in 1991 for election fraud, when he was caught stuffing the ballot box in a local referendum concerning the care and feeding of local wildlife. Surveillance footage below.
Snap, Crackle, and Pop
DOB: 1933 Height/Weight: 5" (6" with caps)/approx. 1 lb. Hair/Eyes: White, Blue Wanted for: Racketeering
Former jazz elf trio that found better money in criminal enterprise in the 1960s. Snap began by cooking LSD in the kitchens of assorted rental properties throughout the Southwest, but is now said to have strong connections to the Sonora Cartel out of Hermosillo. Crackle runs prostitution and illegal gambling rings. Pop is the enforcer, and operates a white supremacist military-style mercenary outfit currently headquartered in Baghdad's green zone. Suspected in the disappearances of several other spokespeople in cereal-based turf wars, most notably several Cocoa Krispies mascots: Ogg the Caveman, Jose and Coco, and Tusk the Elephant. Very dangerous: do not engage.
Sonny DOB: 1962 Height/Weight: 5'3"/38 lbs. Hair/Eyes: none (feathers, brown)/Black Wanted for: Disorderly Conduct, Drug Possession, Public Indecency
Addict cited on a number of occasions for public disturbance, which he claims to be a result of being "cuckoo for cocoa puffs" due to their "crunchy, munchy, chocolatey" nature. This runs counter to the street lingo, which defines "cocoa puffs" as cocaine sprinkled over marijuana and then smoked, though it does explain both the perp's volatility and recent habit of appearing in public naked, without even his usual pink and white striped shirts.
Sugar Bear DOB: 1964 Height/Weight: 3' 10"/76 lbs. Hair/Eyes: None (brown fur)/Black Wanted for: Possession of Controlled Substance, Assault
AKA "Super" Sugar Bear, a name he uses when hopped-up on his drug of choice--at these times, he becomes prone to violent fits against any threat, be it grandmother or crocodile. Also in violation of a cease and desist order from the Bing Crosby estate.
Tony the Tiger DOB: 1952 Height/Weight: 6'6"/420 lbs. Hair/Eyes: Black (two strands)/Yellow & Black Wanted for: Assault
Dangerous anthropomorphic tiger tends to ingratiate himself into situations with under-performing or at-risk children, urging them to compete and "bringing out the tiger" in themselves. He then intimidates opponents, and forces them to throw rafting, skateboarding, volleyball, or related activities with implied threats of violence. Also under investigation for several sports-related disappearances.
Toucan Sam DOB: 1963 Height/Weight: 2'5"/5 lbs. Hair/Eyes: None (blue feathers)/Black Wanted for: Narcotics Trafficking, Kidnapping
Characterized by a false English accent -- he was born in Bolivia, and his juvenile arrests include two in Sarasota, Florida for possession with intent to distribute, and one in Baton Rouge, Louisiana for flying while under the influence -- this stark-blue bird is known for transporting illegal substances within the capacity of his colorful bill. More troubling is his propensity to lure the young, innocent, or froot-obsessed into the wilds with demands to "follow his nose" because it "always knows."
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