Cappuccinos for kids? On a recent episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert tipped his hat to Brooklyn baristas for creating the diminutive coffee drinks and "hooking babies on the foam dragon." And why not? Getting our nation's spawn to recognize the dual benefits of espresso addiction and effective niche marketing will be a fait accompli before they even make it past pull-ups. The popularity of kiddie caps shows that the coffee industry needs to brew up more targeted marketing campaigns.
To help it along, we're pouring out our top five cappuccinos for niche markets -- extra whip and caramel sauce on top.
Some folks take their canine companions' comfort very seriously, so why not create a way to funnel dog owners' expendable income into coffee shops? Small bowls filled with meat drippings, peanut butter and garnished with cheese slices -- sans puppy-pukey caffeine -- or conveniently poured into wide-mouth cardboard cups for the cosmopolitan pooch on-the-go. C'mon, they'll sell in Denver!
It can be argued that hipsters already have their own cappuccinos -- all of them -- but good marketing could take this trend to the next level. If coffee shops want to keep the urban-swanky knitted cap crowd, why not make an espresso creation with quadruple shots, faux-rustic butterscotch syrup, organic, grass-fed whipped cream topping, and put it in a vintage Pac-Man cup? And make it at least $2 more expensive than everything else on the menu.
What do middle-school kids need more than a decent public education? Their own branded coffee drinks, with fun colors like blue raspberry, wacky flavors like blue raspberry, at least six ounces of sugar per eight-ounce serving, and free Justin Bieber cell phone apps on every cup. Parents are just too uptight these days with all their "get good grades" and "don't have pre-marital intercourse" admonishments. Tweens need to relax, drink up, then get hyper and spend their parents' money.
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Rick Santorum supporters have some serious stresses in their lives right now, what with all the homosexuals, poor people and women to subjugate, so how 'bout a nice hot cup of brown, frothy Santorum-mocha to jump start their agendas? Try a BOGO thing when folks buy the extra-white chocolate Newt-ccino, or the decaf, frozen Romney-ccino.
Anarchists need coffee to survive and thrive in this ugly world of not-enough-chaos. A 99 cent cup of black coffee in a plain white cup with a free Sharpie -- for clever protest-cause doodling -- should do the trick.