You really, really don't want to have the reputation of being the worst Halloween candy-giving house on the block. So don't hand out Tootsie Rolls, candy corn or those nefarious orange-and-black-wrapped chewy things. And don't even think about gifting trick-or-treaters with shwag like toothbrushes or anything homemade -- unless you want parents to brand your house the creepy-roofies-call-cops-house. Being a Halloween Grinch could get your house egged, your windows smeared with tapioca pudding and your trees festooned with two-ply toilet tissue.
We're here to help with our list of the five best Halloween candies to give out. Seriously, no little boxes of raisins.
5. Fun-sized chocolate bars
Nothing screams "Don't bust out all the windows in my PT Cruiser!" more effectively than handing out chocolate to the greedy-faced little cherubs who show up on your doorstep. Tossing out handfuls of mini chocolate bars -- preferably name-brand ones -- will almost certainly guarantee that your vehicle will keep its windows, and your pets go unmolested. For extra points, get the mixed bags of bars with Twix, because there is no kid who doesn't love the shit out of cookie and caramel-stuffed chocolate.
Sure, kids today are spoiled little brats, but if Twix keeps your hubcaps on your car, it's a fair price to pay.
Skittles have been making a strong comeback from the Trayvon Martin story, with athletes crediting the candy with their performance on the field. But don't bother buying all the weird new flavor/color-changing/life-altering Skittles; you don't want the mooching tykes loitering at your foyer door to taste the effin rainbow of fruit flavors that Skittles has to offer. Just go with the original lineup.
And if you are a conservative, definitely give out Skittles, because there's a rumor that they make kids turn gay, and you will want something to blame for g-g-g-gayness at some point, if not now.
3. Sneaky trick candies with tooth ink
If you have some free time between now and All Saints Day, stop by one of those specialty candy shops -- or hit the Internet, home of everything sneaky and inky -- and get some of those awesome and horrible tooth enamel-staining candies to mix in with regular candies, so the kiddies have something fun to show their classmates at school the next day, while they are already being sugar-strung little rodents.
With the current state of our public school system, the shorties are probably eating candy for lunch, anyway, and this way they get to drool purty colors on their standardized test sheets.
2. Strawberry goo-candies Old people are often well-loved for having copious amounts of those little, crinkly-wrapped strawberry candies in vintage carnival glass bowls on vintage, Murphy's Oil Soap-scrubbed coffee tables, sitting right next to vintage books about dead celebrities. But these candies are much more than display pieces -- the goo they contain is a strong defensive weapon against the worst foes that old folks have: teenagers. Senior citizens are prime targets for those filthy, half-grown vandals and skirmishers, and it's best to keep them busy chewing pink goo so they leave your front porch as quickly as possible.
Dump out the candy bowls into the trick-or-treat bags, and your lawns may live to see another dawn.
1. Full-sized, mother*cking candy bars! The sole reason for trick-or treaters to case rich neighborhoods is the possibility that well-heeled Halloween hosts occasionally thrust forth fistfuls of full-sized candy bars (okay, not the sole reason, if said wealthy folks have those badass, talky Halloween lawn globes to steal). What's better for the eternal souls and guilty consciences of the filthy rich than to bestow largesse on the unwashed masses of children haunting their 'hoods like packs of feral animals?
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And the spookiest, scariest part? Hershey's bars, Snickers, Kit-Kat, Reese's, M&Ms, Skittles and even Dots contain super-frightening GMOs. Or at least they do if that Facebook meme going around is actually true. Happy Halloween!