There is a thin line between self-indulgence and being a dickhead, a line that any bartender could draw for you. On especially busy nights at any watering hole, there is always at least one person who decides to order some outdated or ridiculous beverage that takes up valuable bartender time, makes everyone else wait for their drinks, and earns the irritating imbiber the unofficial -- or official, if you are at some bars -- title of dickhead.
Friends don't let friends drive drunk -- or be the drunk who orders any one of these five cocktails. Because deserving a "bar mat surprise" drink is not something to brag about.
5. An old-fashioned This cocktail is called an old-fashioned because that's pretty much what it is, and ordering it at any bar at any time is something only special sorts of dickheads do, because they know it's a pain in the ass to prepare -- there is a sugar cube and muddling involved. The drink is too ritzy for dives, too dated for ritzy bars, and even mixologists at faddish hipster joints will give a three-sweep eyeroll when some dickhead asks for one "made the right way!" Old-timey drinks like a Ramos gin fizz (needs a raw egg white and flower water), a brandy Alexander (gets fresh cream and fresh-ground nutmeg) or an old-fashioned are begrudged -- and usually made incorrectly, since bartenders aren't nineteenth-century vampires with eternal memories -- when old people order them, and when anyone under the age of 65 orders one, they're only doing it to look cool and impress people. Which is a dickhead move because the only thing you really have to do to impress someone in a bar is buy him or her a shot.
4. A strawberry daiquiri Only dickheads order strawberry daiquiris (exceptions given to people who ordered them between the years of 1980 and 1989) -- and this means you, too, ladies. This frozen, blended drink should really be made at home, by parents disguising low-grade rum they're serving to friends, and secretly pilfered by teenagers -- because it would take an industrial waste tanker filled with these daiquiris to get anyone drunk enough to do anything really cool or really stupid. And the same goes for any other kind of daiquiri --banana or blueberry-peach-passion-orange-banana. Ordering any of these in a bar basically alerts everyone around that you a wuss-assed pansy-sniffer who can't handle alcohol; you are like the highway driver who goes 36 miles an hour in the fast lane. In other words, you are more dangerous and annoying than the guy taking Jager shots. And cleaning up fruity daiquiri puke off a bar patio table should be nobody's responsibility but your own.
3. A top-shelf, dirty martini Dickheads usually order these because they don't know any better, they've seen people order them in movies (shaken, not stirred), and they are convinced that having this particular cocktail in front of them will get them laid all Mad Men-style. Here's the rub -- most bars don't even bother carrying dry vermouth, and the ones that do usually keep it somewhere out of easy reach and will just say "bucket-fuck-it!" and make the drink without it, anyway. Dry Vermouth was used back in the Prohibition era to take the edge off when homemade vodka was distilled in bathtubs and could strip the paint off fire engines. Nowadays, though, the vodkas that most bars carry have been distilled so many times they are more pure than a pile of driven snow in Iowa. So when you order upper-division vodka and ask for it extra dirty, you are telling the bartender to hash up all that purity with stale, filthy olive garnish brine-water. This not only makes you a dickhead, but a really dumb one -- because chances are you are being overcharged for the drink as well.
2. Lime-flavored beer of any kind Bartenders cringe when they get in cases of bad beer adulterated with lime flavoring, because this stuff is like a dickhead magnet. Dickheads love this crap because it saves them the huge hassle of having to squeeze a fucking lime into their beers; adding an actual lime to a pint of cheap lager takes too much time away from pretending to be a med student with a high GPA. And what if that pesky lime pulp soils the aesthetic integrity of your knock-off polo shirt? This boner-brew is cheap because it tastes like a winning combination of aluminum siding and crack sweat, making your bar tab low and your rep even lower, because paying a dollar a bottle for beer if you aren't homeless or in high school is something dickheads do to avoid a big bar tab -- or a decent tip to the bartenders.
1. Virgin frozen drinks of any kind One of the most dickheaded things you can do is order a slow drink in a fast-paced bar, and when you ask for a cocktail that requires a blender and you aren't even ordering alcohol in it, you are wasting the bartender's time, acting like a panty-princess, and holding up the line for people who ordered real drinks. Virgin mudslides are no more than shakes, alcohol-free pina coladas are smoothies: Bars aren't supposed to be Jamba Juice. So if you are ordering frozen drinks sans booze, take your Disney ass to the mall -- and get some California rolls while you are at it. If you must go to a bar and not drink -- by the way, designated drivers are awesome and excused from any dickhead labels -- order a soda, and try to imagine how much wasted time and energy you just saved the barkeep.
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