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Five good things about the Chick-Fil-A controversy

Five good things about the Chick-Fil-A controversy
Kevin Lara / OC Weekly

Of all the cultural battlefields that could have been chosen for gay- rights whack-a-mole, it had to be Chick-Fil-A: a fast-food chain with marginally good chicken sandwiches, badass waffle fries, and a company president with an avowed aversion to same-sex couples getting legally hitched. The fowl play has gotten ugly in the media and on Facebook -- which seems to be a secondary battlefield -- with the ammo including a protest/counter protest by each side, featuring kissing...and cash.

Is there anything positive in all of this? Yup, yup, buttercup -- and here's my list of five good things about the Chick-Fil-A controversy. And as it turns out, chickens do have peckers.

5. Gays now know to take their gay money elsewhere Gay folks have expendable income just like straight folks, but it can be effectively argued that when homosexuals slap their green down on the counters at Chick-Fil-A, that cash -- possibly covered in "scary gay germs" -- could end up warming the bank accounts of right-wing Christian groups that will turn around and use it to try and ensure that gays won't be able to get legally married. That gay money should be spent on goods and services that not only want their gay money, but will use it to support gay endeavors -- like gay marriage. Spend that gay money at Starbucks, fellow gays! Their bougie little Bistro Box lunches are tastier, healthier and classier than anything you'll find to eat at Chick-Fil-A.

4. Rick Santorum has something to do. I kinda feel bad for Rick Santorum. After getting perma-pwned by Dan Savage -- "Google problem" -- and losing the hell out of his bid for the White House, he has decided to hit the talk-show circuit in support of Chick-Fil-A. Here's a durk-a-durk quote from Santorum to CNBC's Kudlow Report (via Business Insider): "This is why the Huguenots came to America, this is why the Dutch reform, the Catholics -- so many came to this country because they wanted religious freedom. They didn't want the government telling them what to believe in. That they couldn't say things in public. That they had to keep it to themselves. And if they didn't do that that they would lose privileges, that they would lose the opportunity to make a living."

Well, thanks for the history lesson, dingamaroo. If it weren't for d*cks like Chick's president Dan Cathy selectively interpreting the bible, then d*cks like you who also selectively interpret the bible would be currently working the counter at Chick-Fil-A.

 

3. McDonald's is probably selling more McChicken sandwiches Who benefits most from Chick's anti-gay stance? McDonald's execs are probably doing naked, drunken chicken dances in vats of hot mustard and sweet & sour sauces in the boardroom of corporate headquarters right now, because fewer people chowing at Chick's means that more customers will be pecking at McChicken sandwiches for protest and normal everyday gluttony reasons. And I would wager my forcing down one of McDoo's inedible salads that no one from its PR department will -- in the foreseeable future -- come out publically on either side of the gay marriage issue. McDoo's brass is collectively savvy, and will gladly take anyone's money at any time, f*ggy or otherwise, and gleefully gawk at the Chick-Fil-A schadenfreude-fodder without so much as a squawk.

Five good things about the Chick-Fil-A controversy

2. Folks on Facebook have something to distract them from Kristin Stewart When I heard that Kristin Stewart had cheated on Robert Pattinson, I cried myself to sleep, and couldn't overcome my depression long enough to eat or bathe myself. I am sincerely thanking whatever god that Dan Cathy prays to, or at, for sending Chick-Fil-A's oral-moral dilemma in time to save me -- and everyone else on Facebook -- from having to wallow in the pain of Bella tiring of Edward's glitter-hands being knuckle-deep in her gizzards.  

"That's right -- cluck you, Chick-Fil-A! Go cluck yourselves!
"That's right -- cluck you, Chick-Fil-A! Go cluck yourselves!

1. We can love the Muppets even more for telling Chick-Fil-A to go cluck themselves Thank you Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo and especially Camilla the chicken for the Jim Henson Company quickly and publicly severing business ties -- kid's meal promo toys -- with Chick-Fil-A, and then being classy enough not to say anything when Chick's lied about why the Muppets told the company to cluck the hell off. Toy recall, huh? In case anyone higher-up at Chick's hasn't seen a Muppet movie, I'll do a spoiler: The Muppets are the good guys, and they always win.



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