Five More Strange New Foods in All the Wrong Shapes, Colors and Textures
There seems to be no end to the bizarre, weird, wild and wacky edible creations that pop up every day. Last week alone was rife with tales of wasabi toothpaste (technically not a food, but food-ish), some people who thought airline food was so loved it should be offered for home purchase, and a beloved new Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor for Bob Marley -- and weed smokers everywhere.
And if all these weren't enough, here are five more new food creations that push the boundaries of good taste -- while maybe still tasting good. Get set for some tiny Starbucks, invasion of pumpkin spice mice, a trailer park special, and the Gothiest burger ever made by humans.
See also: The top five weirdest new fetish foods
5. Baby Frappuccinos
I'm sure that everyone has, at least once in their lives, begged the java gods (also known as Starbucks) for one wish, and that wish is for a smaller version of the ubiquitous and over-rated Frappucino, because then slow death by double-caramel injection could be slowed down even more. Buckies introduced its new ten-ounce Mini Frappucino in test markets, and shock your rocks, the smaller version doesn't save you much cash and still has almost 200 calories, so I'm not sure why Starbucks is testing this at all.
Oh, wait, yeah I am! Betcha dimes to ditchdiggers that this is a beautifully executed ploy by the deities of all things coffee to get calorie-conscious folks to try the baby Frap -- and then they yank it the fuck away so that the new addicts order the venti.
4. WikiPearl Food Peels
It's time to toss the Ziploc bags, tin foil and cling wrap, because the next-level food wrappers are edible, made of gel, and creepy as all helling hell. WikiFoods, Inc. makes bite-sized, portable food packaging gel peelies for ice cream, cheese, frozen yogurt, fruits, vegetables, water, cocktails and soups. Whafuq? Okay, so as the company explains it: "The skin is a protective electrostatic gel formed by harnessing interactions between natural food particles, nutritive ions and a polysaccharide. Through this proprietary and patent-pending technology, the skin becomes more impermeable to water and oxygen than other edible skins available."
Not certain what is tech-spookier: the explanation of food peelies, or the mention that there are other food cocoons out there that aren't just mochi.
3. Mouse-shaped pumpkin beignets.
Say what you wish about Disneyland (breathing oxygen in the park will cost you $100), but the food at the magical kingdom is actually pretty great if not generally affordable, and the new Mickey Mouse-head-shaped pumpkin spice beignets look so effin' appealing that a giant "Shut Up and Take My Money!" is in order here (which as it turns out, Disneyland is adept at doing).
These fall treats prove that there is some merit to catering to the yoga-pants hosers, (which Pottery Barn has previously demonstrated).
For more weird new food creations, read on
2. Hardee's Fried Bologna and Velveeta Biscuit Sandwich
You can take the Hardee's outta the trailer park, but you can't take the classy mobile-home establishment out of Hardee's, ever. The fast-food chain's latest culinary
debacle spectacle is the fried bologna and Velveeta cheese biscuit. On the one hand, it takes the guesswork and trouble out of scraping the fridge before payday; but on the other, the virulent shame of ordering this sandwich could cause severe emotional problems -- not to mention the dreaded Velveeta breath that follows.
Okay, so I would probably order this just for the food-shame-boner value, if it wasn't for the fact that Hardee's customers -- and everyone else -- can easily and cheaply make this crap at home, with baloney, all aloney, on our owney.
1. The Japanese Goth Burger
Sometimes there is just so much "WTF?!?" involved with a single food item that it takes a week to grok the details. Leave it to our BFFs in Japan to turn Burger King into a greasy, salty Hot Topic drive-thru. Yes, Burger King Japan is testing the "Kuro Burger," with buns colored black using bamboo charcoal, patties with black pepper, and black cheese made with more bamboo charcoal. That's all stuck together with a black sauce containing garlic, onions and squid ink. The dark garlic sauce could keep away vampires, but it's doubtful that the people who want vampires to stay away will be the same ones ordering the "I Cut Myself and Listen to the Cure" burger.
The goth burger gets points for non-conformity; I'd likely start a petition drive to bring the Burger of Darkness to America for a test run if that wouldn't mean I gave up on life, and I'm not ready to do that just yet.
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