Five reasons why Domino's Pizza should be making artisan pizzas

Artisan pizza-makers these days are just plain snotty, with their real wood-fired ovens, rustic-style pizza crusts and authentic toppings. But no reason good, hardworking Americans shouldn't get a slice of the fad, too -- and Domino's is now delivering a real square deal: "artisan" pizzas delivered right to a customer's doors for under $10, and sometimes in 20 twenty minutes or less! Take that, snooty pizza-makers! Take that, Pizza Hut! Take that, Herman Cain! And remember to tip your delivery guy for "awesomeness."

Here are five reasons why Domino's Pizza should be making these artisan pizzas.

5. What does "artisan" mean, anyway?

The dictionary definition of artisan is as follows: "a person or company that makes a high-quality, distinctive product in small quantities, usually by hand and using traditional methods: food artisans." Domino's is obviously being hipster-chic and ironic by completely flouting the idea of hand-made, traditionally prepared pies, and we get it...

4. Nobody wants to pay real money for pizza.

If a pizza costs less than an evening companion purchased on East Colfax, then it's the right price. What kind of bougie idiot would drop $30, or even $20, on a pizza when Domino's is pimping out $7.99 slabs? It's all about being cost-effective, and the more dough you shell out on crust, the less you have for beer. Now, that's trickle-down economics we can all understand.

3. The pizza-eating public is far less picky than they'd like you to believe. Toppings that come from jars filled with salted water and out of frozen boxes are normal and make us all feel safe. These nutty gourmet pie entrepreneurs are trying to scare the hell out of people with hand-cut salami from strange places like Italy. Pizza is all-American, dammit.

2. No one wants to actually go pick up a pizza themselves.

Who do these mom-and-pop pizza joints think they are to not deliver? Bunch of lazy jerk-socks, thinking it's perfectly okay to ask people to drive places when they're busy. Glee isn't going to watch itself, car seats are heavy and cumbersome, and the traffic at 8 p.m. is out of hand.

1. When it comes to great pizza...

Domino's is the 99 percent.