Five Reasons Why Halloween Won't Be the Cannapocalypse for Trick-or-Treaters

Five Reasons Why Halloween Won't Be the Cannapocalypse for Trick-or-Treaters

Every single person who's been spreading the rumor that because recreational cannabis is now legal in some places, trick-or-treating kids will suddenly be loaded with THC-infused edibles needs to sit down, shut up, quit scaring the fuck out of everyone, and just do what they would normally do on Halloween. Carve some pumpkins, bake those cheap Pillsbury sugar cookies, buy a few bags of Hershey's minis to give out, Netflix a Tim Burton movie made prior to 1994 -- and ignore the constant stream of fake news about imaginary villains getting your tots baked. Because it's not going to happen.

Here are five reasons why Halloween won't be the cannapocalypse for trick-or-treating children. Trust me: The only thing that the shorties will be getting wasted on this year is sugar. You know, like every other year.

See also: Marijuana: Denver Police Address Worries That Pot Edibles Will Be Given to Kids on Halloween

Five Reasons Why Halloween Won't Be the Cannapocalypse for Trick-or-Treaters
William Breathes

5) Using basic common sense with Halloween candy will work the same way this year as it does every year.

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Even semi-responsible parents will at least have a look-see at their kids' Halloween candy -- if only to determine what they want to steal. Common sense dictates that you toss unwrapped sweets (dirty, germy yuck), anything of the homemade-baked-goods variety (so no chance of getting cookies, brownies or rice Krispies treats laced with anything) and candies that look homemade (crinkly wax paper wrappings are a dead giveaway). This is true whether you're worried about cat hair or cannabis.

A basic seek-and-destroy mission to make damn sure your little angels aren't getting anything freaky is something parents should be doing anyway, on the off-chance that some random bite of weed/bleach/Drano-laced treat ends up where it shouldn't.

Five Reasons Why Halloween Won't Be the Cannapocalypse for Trick-or-Treaters

4. Infused candy bars don't look identical to conventional treats in the wrappers.

All the hyper-spazz crazy-making the last few weeks about THC candy bars looking like name-brand candy bars has taken paranoia to a whole new level. Yes, some cannabis companies do make bars with punny names like "Dabby Patties," "Monkey Bars," "Hashee's" and "Ganja Joys," but the fake papers are easy for anyone with a junior-high level of education to spot. And if they can't, the courts will help. A Colorado company just settled a case with Hershey's by promising to clean up any confusion with future candies.

Should an infused bar somehow wind up in a bag, any parents will take one look at the wrapper, see that it contains THC and toss it...or keep it for themselves.

Five Reasons Why Halloween Won't Be the Cannapocalypse for Trick-or-Treaters

3. Halloween candy urban myths are not new -- this is just the latest.

Pull up a seat 'round the campfire, so that I can tell you some scary ghost stories. Tainted or tampered candy rumors have been around since before I was hatched into the world; some of the best ones involve candies soaked in LSD, laced with Tylenol or adulterated with rat poison, bug spray, laundry soap, ground glass, pencil shavings, feces, blood, oxycontin or pet food. Then there are the really good stories about Halloween goodies stuffed with glass shards, sewing needles, syringes, ballpoint pens, chicken bones, bottle caps, paper clips, pins, wires and, of course, razor blades.

A decade from now people may remember this year as ground zero for all the nutty anecdotes about pot-tainted Halloween candy, and how they know the stories were real because their sister's boyfriend's friend's mother's dry cleaner's cousin's second husband heard them on Facebook, so they must be true.

For more reasons why kids won't be given massive amounts of free edibles on Halloween, read on.



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